Gwen Bell

What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication
Judith Hanson Lasater, Ike K. Lasater
ISBN-13:978-1-930485-24-2
Read: 2010, 2011 (multiple reads over those two years)
Rating: 10/10

Have you heard of nonviolent communication? You might have heard its short-hand, NVC. The first few times I heard about it, and even after I'd started working with it, I felt allergic to it. I thought: I've been speaking English since I was a child. Surely I know how to communicate my needs and feelings! I thought. There was a lot of resistance in me toward looking at how I spoke. But there was a greater urge to know what harm I might be doing to myself and others when I wasn't speaking nonviolently.

So, this is what I did with NVC. I leaned into it, I started learning and practicing it.

I attended an NVC training with Robert Gonzales, then went to a few NVC meetings led by Kate Crisp. In the five years or so since then, I’ve learned about communicating nonviolently by practicing, and by reading (and re-reading, and doing the work from) What We Say Matters.

The book has changed my life. It’s one of the most important tools in my toolbox. I’ve read the book four times start to finish, and I dip into it all the time. Along with Ruling Your World, these texts that make up spinal elements of my work.

(I’m currently listening to Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, on Spotify: Marshall Rosenberg – Nonviolent Communication: 1. I’m at the beginning, and am enjoying it very much.)

Full Review

What We Say Matters is laid out in 9 chapters, with an introduction  at the beginning and resources at the end. At the end of each chapter you’ll find exercises to do to help you integrate NVC into your daily life.

Ch 1: Sayta and Right Speech 

“Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.” - William Safire

“Right speech is speech that furthers the practice of the speaker and contributes to the well-being of others and the world.”

“[…] Whatever unexamined thoughts I have are going to shape how I act and how I interact with others.”

1. Connect w/self

2. Connect w/ other

3. Connect w/task at hand

“Syntax is just a strategy to remind us of our intention.”

“As part of the conditioning process […] we learn to protect ourselves from criticism, avoid punishment, and redirect blame.”

“By being connected with our own needs, our intention is clarified moment by moment. This is speech as a spiritual practice.”

“Do not seek enlightenment; merely cease to cherish beliefs.” - The Buddha as translated by Thomas Byrom

Feelings // Yoga

“Feelings are signals shooting from the depths of the unconscious mind, alerting us that we need to pay attention. In that way, feelings are like a yoga pose. […] This act of paying attention is the practice. Spiritual practice is not the asana but the act of noticing during the practice of the asana.”

“Being lost in our thoughts is our suffering.”

P22 Practice

P29 the four components of NVC

P32-33 chart of feelings and needs (I’ve flipped to this frequently when unsure what I’m feeling or needing in a moment)

P34 Hear everything someone says to you today as a “please” or “thank you”

“When we struggle with NVC language, it may be a sign that we have not yet made this internal shift. Use the skills you have learned in your yoga or meditation practice, or just slow down and notice what is going on inside you. Without this self-awareness, we forget that _what we say is always about ourselves,_ especially about our feelings and needs, and is never about the other person, because whatever we say is coming out of our perception of what is. This is true even if the words we use sound like they are about or directed to the other person.”

P37 Emotional DNA

“There is something healing about naming what is going on inside you.”

Requests

“Without a doable request, people often hear the expression of observations, feelings and needs as criticism.”

P39 how to make a request

“Your intention is not to get it right but to connect with yourself and with the person in front of you. It is this connection that holds the potential for changing the world.”

P41 a practice to try

P43 empathy v sympathy

P48 request v demand

p52 chart of communication choices and two types of requests

P54 giving empathy & making a request practice

“Remember, to acknowledge our needs is not to be demanding.”

P59 succinct expression of needs

“…The problem with living in a way that denies my needs is that it sets the stage for me to do violence to myself.” (Gwen’s note: I’ve found this to be powerfully true.)

Feeling v needing

P60 The Duck Index

“Shifting is not the same as giving in.”

P63 Relationship preservation and really communicating needs

P64 demands/requests and please/thank you

“The greatest weapon we have to combat stress is the ability to choose our thoughts.” - William James

“Something cannot be true and unkind at the same time.” - Swami Veda

“[…] Speech is a power.”

P71 working with anger

“Everything is an empty rowboat.” (Gwen wrote in margin: like the 2 cars, both parked, that I saw in a parking lot. One backed into the other, as the owner of the one moving without him in it came out of the dry cleaners. A car accident with 2 cars, nobody behind either wheel.)

P79 how to interrupt gracefully

P80 repeating the story

Putting it to Work in Relationships

“Respond with genuine appreciations for their willingness to answer, regardless of whether you like the content of the message.”

P89 women/acknowledging needs

“One way to live in truth is to be clear about what we would like.”

“What if we acted as if our requests to each other were actually giving a gift?

“Please note that when we speak this way to each other, we are never doing anything _for_ the other person. In fact, no one ever does anything for anyone. _We only do things to meet our own needs._”

On Criticism

“All criticism is the tragic expression of unmet needs.”

Never Hear Criticism

 P96-97 Gwen wrote re-read in the margin on page 96, and Try! Daily Appreciations on page 97

“Never hear what the other person _thinks_ of you. They may think that you caused their pain and may even use guilt to trick you into thinking that you did indeed cause it. You didn’t. It’s not what the other person said that caused my pain; it is how I chose to hear it.”

Practices: making life more wonderful

Chapter 7 is about talking with children and parents

“Probably the thing we want most from our parents is their unconditional love. But following close on its heels is the desire for them to recognize and respect our autonomy.”

Why Approval Hurts

“Praise and compliments put your child, or any other person, in a box. It tells them who they are and therefore limits them.”

“Compliments and praise focus on extrinsic rewards.”

P114 Appreciate v rewarding

Chapter 8 is on practicing NVC at work

P123 how to clarify

P127 is on writing things down instead of dwelling

“ ‘I’d like to tell you how I’m viewing that; are you willing to listen now?’ “

P130 is how to email using clear language

The last few pages are on gossip

The last chapter, 9, is “Talking in the World”