The Rise before the Fall
Last night on the drive home my beloved and I talked about the magazine cover. I was honest with him - I said I was worried. Signing with an agent, the cover, a cruise to the Bahamas (I know I haven't even told you about that yet - I leave this weekend). Thrilling, remarkable. Abundant.
Troubling.
Our conversation in the car
"All this good stuff - you know, the Universe balances itself out. I'm keeping my eyes open in case it decides to do that," I said.
"What does that even mean," he asked, "you think the Universe balances itself out on you? And what's your proof? Is there a pattern of one negative for one positive?"
I got defensive and agitated. "No, of course I can't prove it and no, the Universe doesn't revolve around me...it just worries me. It's like that Bible verse - a rise is accompanied by a fall."
"Actually, no. That verse is about pride," he reminded me, "it's about what happens when you're haughty and proud - that's when you fall. But that's not what's bothering you. There's something else up for you - why do you think something bad must follow something good?"
I crossed my arms and leaned back into the seat, reflecting. I didn't have a quick answer. And suddenly, as I reflect back on the weekend I was in LA for the shoot, it occurs to me, and tears stampede the protective contacts barrier. "I think the Universe balanced me out when mom died. Now, no matter what happens, there's a negative to balance out a positive." He listened, I continued to talk. "After the shoot, I wanted to call her up and tell her every detail. You know I love your mom, but I didn't want to talk with her. I wanted to talk with my mom."
With that and a supportive hug, it was over. Nothing like remembering the deceased to put you back on the path. You're rockin' it and then one day (always a day earlier than you'd like) you're dead.
Before you're dead, your beauty fades.
Or you get sick. Even armed with a vat of Restylane time and gravity win.
The best scenario still takes us back to the Earth and that's the only take-away I need from any day.
This is your one and only precious life: pay attention.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Reader Comments (13)
Never forget that you deserve all of this.You are worth all of this goodness coming your way.
Dear,
I've been saying this for a while, but it is as true now as it has been: when you write about something, you have processed it. It is sometimes amazing to me how quickly you are able to process it. And I'm glad that I'm able to be there with and for you as you go through these times.
Keep up the good work. Don't allow your fear to overwhelm you. The true mark of courage is not being unafraid. It is not allowing your fears to overcome you. I'm glad to see your courage shining through.
I love you, dearest.
Namaste and I see you.
I needed to read this -- thanks.
You totally deserve every ounce of it. And I am glad you got that hug.
I get this, though, my parents never cared for me. So when great things happen and my husband phones his parents, I am sitting here thinking: I wish I could phone a mother or father and they'd be proud, pleased, happy for me. It is a weird kind of lonliness... despite being in a loving, caring relationship sometimes we just want a mother's hug.
I find it oddly comforting that someone else thinks this way. Whenever something good happens, I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Conversely, when anything bad happens, or it seems like "too much bad" as it has this year (dad's cancer, grandma's illness, losing my teaching job for next year) I tend to get angry. I think I've already "had mine." My hope is that I can be as strong, brave & true as you've been, and to keep on going no matter what the world throws at me, trusting that yes, at the end, it's balanced.
Also, so excited for you --- so much goodness. So well-deserved.
What a heart-achingly lovely post! You DO deserve all the good in the world- because you don't put any negativity out into it yourself. Your mom would be so proud of you.
This brought tears to my eyes. So very, very proud of you friend. Your life is a big rock show. <3
That's Buddha nature I think, the urge to look over one's shoulder even when things are going well; the subtle anxiety of existence; an angst we can't shake.
I really wish everyone had this mindset as they went about their daily lives. And in some way, I kind of agree with this theory. I think there needs to be some sort of balance in everyones life
This is beautiful - thank you! My father died in an accident when I was 17 - over 25 years ago - and it feels like yesterday. About a month ago, I read The Year of Magical Thinking and saw A Single Man in the same weak. The pain, fear, and vulnerability never really go away and like you, I also think - wow, when it's this good, something really bad must be right around the corner. But, we're both wrong! and luckily, we both have good partners and friends to remind us of that! But you are absolutely correct -- the bottom line lesson is - one life, live it, make a difference, and ENJOY IT!
Damn...that last line made me sit and contemplate life for a minute. I am going through a difficult situation right now and see the other person being prideful hurts deeply. It hurts because I know the fall is coming and there is nothing I can do for them. It is hard to watch this happening with someone you love.
Don't go looking for the fall, Gwen. Your blessings are chasing you down right now, so enjoy them and continue to stay humble. That is where your balance comes in. You stay humble and God will shower you with blessings that will overtake you.
I like the thought of being overtaken with blessings.
Thank you. We need that reminder every day. (Or at least I do.)
This is ironic that you wrote this on April 7. That is the birthday of my now passed grandfather (basically my most father-like figure in from my life). And as you reflect on your connection to your Mom, even in her death, you touch on one of the most fundamental life lessons: at the very least, life is a merry-go-round of emotion and we one day pass. At its very best, life is a truly precious gift.
Thanks for sharing, Gwen ;-)