Facebook Fights and Twitter Tantrums: What's Your Digital Relationship Blueprint?
This morning I read a piece in the NYT about young couples duking it out on Facebook.
Four hours later, there are 127 comments on it. Each time I hit refresh there are several more. Comments from both sides: if you're on Facebook fighting, you must not "have a life." The other side: STFU, we're just communicating the way people used to, just digitally!
Here's the problem I see with the article. Douglas Quenqua writes, "For most couples, the temptation to publicly slander each other is overpowered by the instinct to prove to their friends how happy they are, reality notwithstanding. But for others, arguing in front of others comes as naturally as slamming doors." This relationship dichotomy doesn't ring true. Either we're fighting privately and lying about it or we're publicly slandering one another? I'll take option C, please.
In the early days of our our courtship my now-husband and I were publicly affectionate. We weren't officially a couple until we became Facebook official. (We were IMing as we simultaneously updated our statuses). As we transitioned we definitely did have stumbles similar to the one outlined by the engaged couple in the article. But we didn't publicize it because we were both stressed and chose not to add fuel to the fire. And I'm happy now that we didn't. Why?
Country crooners The Dixie Chicks tell it best in "A Home." The tune speaks to the regret of allowing friends (and, you could add, their posts to your wall) to dictate how you grow your relationship:
I mistook the warnings for wisdom
From so called friends quick to advise
Though your touch was telling me otherwise
Somehow I saw you as a weakness
I thought I had to be strong
Oh but I was just young, I was scared, I was wrong
Not a night goes by I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been
A home
Can you build a home if you let everyone you know put their hands on the blueprint?
There are two guiding principles in the home we're building: don't go to bed angry, and don't emotionally dump on others. We don't update when we're angry with one another. We don't air grievances to those who aren't in a position (or state of mind) to help (for the record, that's pretty much everyone). Folks who can help include two family members who have expressly stated they want to do so. We're both involved in groups (separately) that allow us to speak our hearts safely. I use the word "safely" with intention.
Every post, every tweet, every sentence you write on your blog is public. Searchable. Indexable. Pass-along-able. And very much on the record.
Your feelings are impermanent. Your status less so.
Nevertheless, Quenqua is wrong in drawing the line between you're either covering something up or you're posting your grievances. You can be digitally connected and make healthy choices about the ways in which you share about your relationship.
Whether we're publicly affectionate or hurtful, we set a pattern that people begin to expect from us.
Consider this from Dan Ariely, professor at Duke, (writing on managing anger for the Harvard Business Review): "I’m thinking of the manager whose personal portfolio loses 10% of its value in a week (entirely plausible these days). He’s frustrated, angry, nervous—and all the while, he’s making decisions about the day-to-day operations of his group. If he’s forced to attend to those issues right after he looks at his portfolio, he’s liable to make poor decisions, colored by his inner turmoil. Worse, though, those poor decisions become part of the blueprint for his future decisions—part of what his brain considers “the way to act.”
Ariely is writing from a management standpoint - and it's true for relationships, too. Be mindful of the tone you're setting in what you're building.
Be mindful of the digital blueprint you're creating with your loved ones.
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I'd love to hear your thoughts on fighting using Facebook status updates and tweets. I invite you to disagree - if you think blowing off steam is just that, let me know. Do you think digitally duking it out is totally fine?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Reader Comments (20)
bring the thunder, Gwen!! thanks for this post Well said! Two things you said that I love:
"We don't air grievances to those who aren't in a position (or state of mind) to help (for the record, that's pretty much everyone)."
"Your feelings are impermanent. Your status less so."
SOOOO true. On the one hand, I do appreciate the increased ability to connect with a lot of people easily through Twitter and Facebook. Everyone knows I'm pretty liberal in what I say there (but I do keep a lot private, more than people would think). On the other hand, I've seen more drama enter into my social circles, drama that is neither needed nor appropriate, but seems perpetuated by social networking. I'm definitely not saying that we shouldn't use these tools. I love them. BUT, I've grown tired of my own on others relationship to them and how they are using their blueprints. I particularly liked that you said most people have no business commenting on your issues, or your intimate relationships. As much as people care about you/me/us, they usually lack context in a massively important way, and somehow social network gives the illusion that you understand more than you do. Or at least invites you to act that way.
Anyways, a bit of random ranting on my part:P
thanks!
-ryan
I completely agree with you. Duking it out in a public space is the same as having a fight in public. I'm just not interested.
I rarely put details about my relationship, or marriage anywhere online-it's just not something that works for our relationship.
I can understand the appeal of talking about things in a very real way, but fighting on Facebook seems kind of like inviting someone into your house but only every time you are fighting.
People also say things online that would NOT say in persona so the risk is that it will go too far, or that the person posting might (as is often the case with blogging and social media) paint a different picture than the whole truth which is complicated and messy.
Wonderful thoughts, Gwen. Beautifully said.
My rule of thumb is when upset with anyone, stay off Twitter.
Almost as horrible as public attacks of others (and our loved ones) is the "thinly veiled passive aggressive status update"
Social Media without filters can get ugly all too quickly.
Again, great post.
:)
good post gb
I agree with alli..to stay off of twitter when upset... well actually...a good rule for me to aspire to is: when triggered don't speak at all...print or otherwise.
To completely embarass myself - One time I left my tweetdeck on at home while I was having a twitter-tryst with @tarastiles. It was horrible when my wife chimed in with a comment under my account. Tara hasn't spoken to me since.
Very sad.
John
www.zendirtzendust.com
Is it age? Maturity? My husband and I are over 40 and we would never consider posting our grumbles and frustrations online much less duke it out over the internet. It seems so - reality TV. Marriage is about learning to communicate to better your relationship, it isn't about choosing sides or being right. Maybe we are just old fashioned or old, but I am ok with that.
@Jacqueline I think maturity has a lot to do with it, which might or might not be tied to age, but it's certainly evident. I do think with age though, "younger" folks might put more out there on average, but I think that crossing the line that Gwen is talking about definitely represents one's integrity and maturity in dealing with relationships.
It isn't easy, but it always is much more healthy to work out our problems within the relationship. There _will_ be times when outside help and input is required (Gwen and I have had those times), but as Ryan says, it is always best with people who know the situation and that we both trust, not some random friend on Facebook.
Posting a grievance to Facebook is destructive both to the person who is doing it and the relationship they are in. It means that they aren't airing that complaint in a way that the other person will be able to hear, and involves far more people than are necessary (who honestly probably would prefer to not know...).
Keep the communication open, and flowing, and tell people when you are hurt, when you dislike something, etc. But don't tell the rest of the world while you're at it.
My wife and I never post anything on our Facebook's regarding our marriage. I couldn't even imagine doing so. A close friend of ours is recently divorced and unfortunately his ex-wife was displaying her infidelities on Facebook without his knowledge. I had to be the one to say, "Dude, have you checked your wife's Facebook lately?". Shame, hurt, embarrassment, sadness. We need to log off as a society and learn how to reconnect with each other face to face. That's what counts. That's what matters.
I think "digitally duking it out" is kind of like telling your parents every time you and your significant other have a fight - you might forgive him/her, but parents tend to hold a bigger grudge when someone hurts their "child." Not saying you have to hold everything in, but I don't think that Facebook is the most appropriate place to blast your business...
I tend to think of facebook (and twitter) as a bar, and so public displays of affection (not the "get a room" kind, but the tolerable kind) are fine. But you usually duck outside or to the washroom to have a fight, no? Or better yet, be mature enough to put it on hold and finish it later.
Just my opinion, of course.
Great post!
Alli pretty much said everything I would have. I do my best to stay away from Facebook, Twitter and my blog when airing my grievances. It's just not appropriate.
Great post, Gwen!
I admit to being fascinated by the STFU, Marrieds website, but I'd feel differently if it were people on my own FB friends lists engaging in this mud-slinging, or, at the other end of the spectrum, TMI overshares of private details that no one outside of your relationship wants/needs to hear.
In the end, I think it's just more evidence of how the public sphere is (rapidly) cannibalizing the private. The area of what is deemed indisputably off-limits for public consumption and comment shrinks by the day and folks like those in the article seem only to happy to speed the process along.
I wish that people would apply this logic of NOT airing dirty laundry beyond romantic relationships, and into friendships, familial relationships, etc. I've been dragged into online disputes simply due to not-so-cryptic FB statuses. I find it really hurtful and immature. No matter what I'm doing online --- FB, Twitter, my blog --- my goal is to make my life easier, not complicate it. When you invite others to comment, write things that can be hurtful either during the issue or later, or make your relationship out to be miserable everyday, you chip away at the privacy and intimacy of your bond. It makes me sad to see people using the public space for private matters.
Bravo! Great post!
I agree, with most of the posters, Facebook and Twitter is not a place for those types of comments. I have Facebook 'friends' who have posted things of a highly personal nature and they instantly were part of the rumourmill.
I rarely update my status anymore period. I think as I grew up, I realized that not everyone needed to know everything because everyone feels the need to comment! There are some things that just do not need to be commented on. Relationship trials and tribulations being one of them!
Great post!
Brilliant post. I do often find myself thinking before creating a status update or tweet. Incidentally, I prefer the PDAs as opposed to the public arguments. There's nothing wrong with showing the world your love for your mate, but there is something wrong in parading out your concerns with your mate. It's a respect issue, I think -- if you can't respect your mate enough to keep grievances private, then who's to say you'll respect others?
Great post.
Earlier this week I had an amazing conflict at work. One that I learned a bunch from. I wanted to share the experience and what it taught me, but realized that I needed more time so that when I publicly talk about the situation I could be farther removed and choose language that would insulate the others involved. I want to share my experience, but theirs is not mine to share. The relationships are professional and far from romantic, but just at important when building a life.
What you wrote was dead on. I am new to social/new media. Very nice to see that what I was raised to call manners and social grace still have a place in this new world I am steping into.
This is right on so many levels!
Great post Gwen!
Being of a younger generation, the impression that I get from peers who have been known to duke it out on FB or twitter, is that it is mostly about attention.
Some really are just looking for support, trying to let people into their world to let them know what is going on and what they are dealing with.
Unfortunately, most people that witness these arguments or statements made from the heat of a fight, just tune them out. Just like a commenter mentioned before me, a inter-fight is the same as a fight in public, and I'm not interested.
So, instead of attracting someone to sympathize with them (or even just lend an ear), they are causing people to tune out, and risking being called melodramatic.
They are essentially asking for help in all the wrong places. Sometimes, the best way to gain support or true inside is like you mentioned that you do in your household - have a few select people to help keep you on track.
And let that be that.