Social Networking for Cheaters
Ashley Madison is a social networking site for married people looking to have an affair. Its advertisements are intentionally (and unsurprisingly) provocative. From memory, the commercial runs as follows. A woman wearing very little (amazingly tan, well-rested looking, with thick dark hair) is smiling and having a pillow fight with a man (built, small-waisted, full head of hair). The ad ends with: both of these people are married. But not to each other.
The first time I heard about Ashley Madison was in Vanity Fair. The article is a first-person narrative from Melanie Berliet about her affairs with married men. The description: "Curious to know what kind of men use the Internet to find extramarital lovers, journalist Melanie Berliet posed as a wayward wife on the social-networking site Ashley Madison. Her encounters with three suitors suggest that marriage and monogamy needn’t always go hand in hand." This month they're featuring a topless Tiger Woods, so this is standard fare for VF, but I digress.
Until tonight, I hadn't done much research on this infidelity-supporting site whose tag line is, "Life is short. Have an affair." I paper clipped it in my mind until tonight. Tonight I ran across one of the most compelling interviews I've ever read. It's an interview in Canada's paper, The Globe and Mail. With the founder of AshleyMadison.com - Noel Biderman.
In the interview Noel says, "If you come home and you've had an affair earlier in the day, it might be easier not to be frustrated with your partner. The conversation could take a different directional tone and that can lead to intimacy." It's not just this line that gives you pause, but multiple lines in the interview. Like the advertisements for the site, it's provocative material. Take a few minutes to read it. I can't give you a feel for it. It's a must-read.
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Rather than encourage philandering, I wonder if the site could do the opposite. Put extramarital behavior on our radars - make it something that's no longer taboo to discuss. I'm fascinated by the site and the target audience (which is 70% male). I'm fascinated by the questions brought up by a site like Ashley Madison existing. More than that, I'm curious about the conversations that a site like this will start. The conversations between couples - about cheating - and the many alternatives to cheating. By virtue of it being taboo (think Don Draper in Mad Men) it has held more power in society.
Could it be that sites like Ashley Madison, rather than encouraging philandering, as the interviewer suggests, discourage it by putting it in the spotlight? Like every other social networking site, once we start talking about it, or moms use it to chastise their innocent rapper children, could it be the potency of the subject matter is halved and quartered?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Reader Comments (9)
All Tiger Woods jokes aside, it does make one question whether the quest for authenticity and trust in many social media circles will be undermined and disparaged by such enterprises. In society we've seen many lose their anonymity from the internet and to purport protecting it can be risky waters. I like your twist -- would statistical data be enough or should the "offenders" be exposed? 70% male subscribers -- could also be a motorsports site. As always, great read Gwen.
I would take Mr. Biderman's claims about adultery saving marriage more seriously if he had actually experienced that transformation himself. As someone whose marriage ended in no small part due to an affair on my partner's part that resulted in him finding "the love of his life," I am a bit skeptical that infidelity can rescue a dead or near-dead marriage. As for whether Ashley Madison itself helps bring infidelity out of some dark conversational corner, I guess that remains to be seen. Marriage is work. Monogamy is work. If you're not up for the work, don't bother. Great articles; thanks for the post.
Hm. I know a couple poly groups that have been together for more than a few years. There are greater complications, but apparently one of the perks is having more support when someone is having problems. As in her quote, being able to talk to someone, or blow off steam, or whatever, with someone you're equally intimate with, could help. Gives people space. Of course, figuring that out beforehand would certainly help avoid the stress of hiding an affair. Breaking someone's trust is never a good idea.
In other words, people should be more open to different types of relationships. They might find something that works better for them.
I find it funny that we live in a rather sexualized society, yet no one really discusses things. I think that's an intriguing aspect behind some of the questions you asked in your post. I often wonder what is the relationship between sex, friendship, love, and everything in between. These are dialogues that I would ultimately want to have with the person I fall in love with.
"Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk - real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious."
Take that Kerouac quote and put it through the lens of sex. How many of us really know how our partners feel before we succumb to the sweet seduction of sex? If we're lucky, we discuss abstract things like love but rarely do we actually discuss actual sex. We ultimately hold back our desires, questions, fears and fantasies in order to succumb to the norm. I'm not trying to romanticize sites like this one, but I think they are more the symptom of this disconnect in communication.....
Wow, just when I think I've got my finger on the pulse—thwack— I think, and this may be kind of inflammatory, the threat might do us good. Complacency, whether blamed on kids, 7 years or work, is a wicked mistress, keeping our focus off of what intoxicated us to start. I hope this never becomes a site I need to know, but just reading this made me think, "Hmmm, maybe it's time to put down the diversions and focus on what matters."
Thanks for the heads up.
Have known about AM for 5 years. Long before social networking was a gleam in anybody's eye. Sad, lonely, pathetic,disastrous are the words that come to mind. My first husband was unfaithful as I was pregnant with our second child. Walked out on me 8 months into the pregnancy.
Anyway you slice it, I can say from personal experience what an enormous devastation infidelity brings to not just the spouse, but the entire family. Although these are not new revelations, by any means, the pain,loss and sadness can take years away from what should be time spent just loving life! Years spent having to put back the pieces both emotional and financial. Years spent having to explain to your children why daddy doesn't live here anymore.
I agree with Sherilee:Marriage and Monogamy take work. Having just celebrated 6 years of bliss, the second time around, it's been worth every ounce of effort! Life is short...Stay thirsty for monogamy, my friends.
interesting questions, gwen. really interesting. i agree with the notion of diminishing the power of taboo by discussing extramarital affairs; i'm all for creating awareness as a means to encouraging positive change.
however, i really have to question the motivations that users of a site like ashley madison have. they're not logging on to improve their relationships and, contrary to what Biderman claims, i have some reservations about the concept that finding extramarital intimacy actually might improve their marriage relationship.
i'll admit that finding impartiality on this particular topic is difficult; ashley madison was the straw that broke the camel's back in my parents 27-year marriage. don't get me wrong; they had their share of problems before my dad decided to log on to see what else the world had to offer him, but he most certainly wasn't looking for intimacy in order to fix his marriage. i know it's unfair to generalize based on what happened in their relationship, but i think the scenario that Biderman's putting across is much more the exception than the norm.
A marriage counsellor, he clearly is not.
I bristled after reading the first sentence...which reveals how I feel about infidelity: I loathe it and am not convinced that it helps relationships. But, as Courtney said so well, impartiality in this is difficult. It's likely that many of us have experienced cheating ourselves (whether before or in marriage), or have seen how cheating has affected people close to us.
That said, I do agree with you, Gwen, that putting a topic out there for discussion and critique is paramount in breaking down taboos. Ignoring a topic--particularly a "socially deviant" one--fuels its fire. I suppose that there is a balance in opening it up for discussion and not giving it too much power. Of course, I don't know where that balance lives (or if it's attainable!). :)
I remember reading about this site last year. My knee-jerk was shock and disapproval, followed by a curiosity visit to the site: disapproving yet boosting their web traffic . . .!
But then why is Ashley Madison any worse than Facebook? Friends Reunited? Second Life? (Gotta be healthier than Second Life!) All of them have been blamed for increases in divorce rates across the globe with Facebook being cited in 20% of US divorces.
I ended up with mixed emotions: respect for his business prowess, and his unashamedness. And I agree with the fact that it will certainly get people talking about that extra marital affair taboo, and maybe even the place of marriage in our society in general ( a long overdue discussion for sure).
What did make me feel a bit icky however was the tone of the site: an affair as a packaged, purchasable product complete with an official looking ‘Affair Guarantee’ shield and catchy slogans: “Life’s too Short. Have an Affair’ and ‘100% of People Cheat’. To be fair, the latter slogan seems to have been removed, probably due to their refusal to add a footnote explaining that this statistic did in fact refer to Monopoly and not monogamy.
Then there’s the science, a rambling article on the sluttiness of birds with the groundbreaking (and heartbreaking) discovery that “even swans aren't monogamous!” A harsh statement given that, to my knowledge, swans never asked to be held up as some kind of moral standard for humans to follow.