Ask Better Questions
While checking out recently I asked the cashier if he'd tried the aloe vera juice I was buying. "No," the cashier replied, "but I bet he has, he's the manager here." The man he was pointing at was checking out ahead of us with two carts full of groceries. I looked in his direction and his wife piped up, "I love it!" and he said, "It's good - have you tried the coffee and tea blend?"
One question led to another and we were, within seconds, deep in conversation. So I asked he and his wife, "if you could only buy one product from this store forever, what would you buy?" His wife said, "hard question," and he said his favorite product.* And then they finished packing their groceries, said see you later and left.
"You're really good at that," Joel said moments after they left. I asked him, "good at what?" And he said, "good at talking to total strangers." And I said, "that's because I don't see anyone as a stranger. And I ask a lot of questions." If you're shutting down around a problem it might not be that the answer hasn't surfaced. It might be that you need to ask better questions.
If I'm in a rut, asking the same questions and not going anywhere with a problem, I have a few tactics. Here's how to practice asking better questions:
- add a page to your journal for "questions asked" and "questions asking"
- when someone asks you a question that stumps you, write it down for further reflection
- start your day off with a question
- read question-asking books, blogs and magazines
- when you run across a good question in your reading, tag it for future reference
- sit with it (meditate on it in the morning)
- ask a friend to ask you questions about your problem
- track what kinds of questions you ask of others throughout a day (are they fact-based, "What's in the chicken parmesan?" Or are they experimental questions? "If I added espresso to this chili what would it taste like?")
- create a group of like-minded question askers. Where there is no question too big or too weird. Schedule regular calls to ask questions
How do you practice asking better questions?
Asking better questions takes practice. It helps if you don't mind throwing questions out there that may make things momentarily uncomfortable for the other person, for the group. Getting out of our rut of same-same-same question asking is worth The Awkward Moment - it's freeing.
What's the best question you've been asked recently? Do you have a favorite question-asking book?
Edit 24 Sept 2009: Breanna, in the comments, asks if I'll suggest some question-asking blogs." I'll list a few of mine and wonder...what are yours?
White Hot Truth, The Happiness Project, Remabulous, Conscious Bookkeeping, Dave Morin, TED Talks, Jen Lee, Bits
From Joel: Daring Fireball, Rands in Repose, Paul Graham
*Sparkling water
**For fun and practice, ask "Where is Chuck Norris?" to The Google, then push "I'm feeling lucky."
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Reader Comments (15)
my favorite part? that you don't see anyone as a stranger...
two minutes later, and it's still making me smile...xoxo. karey m.
This way of thinking reminds me of my friend Jaci. She asks the best questions and will ask them of absolutely anyone. She learns great things about people through it, too! Sometimes I remind myself to be brave and think of how Jaci would act. Otherwise I'm too shy or afraid of people (total strangers!) being made aware of the fact that I don't know something about a subject.
mjb True story. Last week I was talking with someone and kept asking questions. Within five minutes he was telling me about how he watched someone get murdered and then the murderer held the still-smoking gun to his head. So I asked if his life flashed before his eyes. It was one of the most incredible stories I've ever heard. And it really does, all things, all relationships, I think, start from that first kernel of a question.
karey Love you, lady. Thank you for stoppin' by.
I love this!
I think this is why "coaching" is so big these days.
People LOVE being asked good questions, especially about themselves. The kind that make us open up, focus our thoughts in a new direction, and explore things we hadn't looked at before.
The right questions can take anyone from confusion to clarity... from "I have NO CLUE" to "huh, I hadn't thought of that before... and now I'm realizing some really important stuff here!"
The right questions can help us narrow our focus and dig out our own authentic answers. Then suddenly we feel so empowered. It's like, "Hey, I guess I knew those answers all along! I just needed someone to pull them outta me."
Thanks for sharing such great food for thought, Gwen.
XO
-K.
can you suggest some "question asking blogs" for us? I live the idea! I alway wish I had some really unique question at the ready when meeting new people!
Breanna Edited the post with some that I love for that reason - the ones that make me walk away going...hm...? Also, hoping that some folks will feel inclined to leave theirs in the comments, too! Thanks for the request!
Gwen, you have a gurgle pot picture in your post!
I love it!
OK, the notion of nobody as a stranger was pretty awesome, too.
CJ
CJ The gurgle pot is the closest thing to perfect a vase/watering pot has ever come. And the flowers came from Joel on a particularly dreary day - they are massive.
I recently wrote a post about how it's hard for me to ask for help. It's not quite like asking questions, because I'm a question asker/purveyor of thoughts, etc. However, sometimes asking a simple question for help or for someone to give you insight can be just as important!
It's all mental for me. I love to help people, many people do. So when I need something and I know I can't do it on my own I have begun to ask for help, while I remember this person probably likes helping people. My request is within reason and flexible around their schedule, then it can be a win-win. It's an ongoing cycle. Usually when I ask a question or inquire deeper, it shows a level of depth and creates a dynamic, two-way flow. Goodness all around :) Great post!
Grace Nelly (she's DigitalWoman on Twitter) does this exercise she calls Needs & Offerings at her networking events for WebGrrls. Each woman stands up, says what she's offering at the event (it can be anything - her programming skills or a recipe or an insider scoop on the best coffee in town) and her needs (also, can be anything - she is looking for a job or for a place to buy antique spoons).
It's really powerful to be able to say both what you're bringing and what you're needing - knowing that this time you may meet someone's need and next time they might meet yours. I love that there's a balance built into it so you never feel ashamed for expressing your need (I think women, generally speaking, get pegged as "acting needy" a bit too often) - and you can express very clearly what you see as your offering. It's a beautiful thing - something I'd like to see more organizers do at events. You feel heard. And it's not simply a laundry list of all your accomplishments and accolades.
This is definitely one thing that I am really bad at. I tend to tell myself that the person that I might be interested in asking a question of... doesn't want to be bothered, has more important things to do/think about, really just isn't interested in talking.
Being an introvert... this is my MO. Perhaps I ought to practice pushing myself beyond, asking the potentially awkward questions. Because, after all... it really is simply about connecting, something that I need practice in anyway.
Thanks, Gwen, for the reminder. And for pushing me to be more than I am. <3s
Hi Gwen,
You are so right about asking questions. It's the key to good conversation. I like to ask, What do you do for love? rather than, "What do you do for work?
Congrats on being dugg on digg ...
Giulietta, Inspirational Rebel
"What cartoon character would you be?"* It sounds silly enough, but even with a four-year-old it required a bit of thought. That's the delicious thing about questions -- there are all kinds and they're limited only by our imagination (and comfort level). I have a journalism background so asking questions is second nature for me, but it's a practice we all need to embrace and "practice" more fully. Not in an interrogating sort of way but as a means to have a conversation, know someone better, engage others (including "strangers"), find out great info and cool stuff! People generally loved to be asked questions because it shows that you value their opinion and it gives them Voice. I believe part of the solution to many of the world's problems involves reciprocal questions where everyone feels clearly *heard.*
*My answer to what cartoon character was Word Girl. I actually Tweeted it earlier this morning. If you're not familiar with the PBS animated show, Word Girl's claim to fame is via her super powers + superb vocabulary. Think of what you could accomplish with that dynamo duo of assets! :-)
I love asking questions; it's always so revealing of a person. Two of my favorites are "What did you want to be when you grew up?"and "If money (or x) weren't a factor what would you do for a living?" When I was in corporate America, no one ever, ever answered either question with "I wanted/I'd want to work here." People lose touch easily with what they really want in life so I like to start a conversation and maybe, somehow put that idea of something they love back in the front seat.
On another note, love love love what you mentioned @Grace re: stating what you bring to the table and what you need. It's sounds like a great way to make many meetings much more productive.
man i've found SO many awesome blogs lately, this is definitely among them. i really love meeting new people, and learning to ask better questions is always good, so thanks for this post :)