One time I got yanked out of a school dance for getting a little too fresh on the dance floor. I was in high school and the song was by Sir Mix-A-Lot and it was my grandfather who pulled the plug on my freshness. It was humiliating but what made it worse was his threat that if I ever did that again I wouldn't be going back to school dances anymore. 

I love dancing. Obviously my grandfather pulling me out of that sweaty auditorium did little to deter my bad behavior on the dance floor. Or on stage. Or, overall. I believe that no matter what you're doing you've got to get your whole ______ up in it. Heart, head, butt. Whatever. Commit.

This morning Chris Guillebeau and I co-launched The Unconventional Guide to the Social Web. I'll tell you what it doesn't have, to start. It doesn't have all the answers to how to be a part of the social web. You already know how to do that. It doesn't talk about how Chris and I are the experts and you don't know what you're doing. And it definitely doesn't suggest a one-size-fits-all solution. Unlike the latest offering from Victoria's Secret. 

Now, what it does have. A whole lot of questions, directed microactions, social media case studies, yoga gone social web, interviews with inspiring people, an opportunity for a one-on-one with me to ask all of your burning questions.

Basically, it's a guide to lighting your fire written by some folks doing the same. We hope you love it. Check, check.

When we were in college in Chapel Hill, Patrick bought me a Christmas gift. It was a book on how to open a coffee shop. We made a pact to one day open a coffee shop together. Patrick wanted to call the cafe "Cool Beans." I told him he'd be going into business alone if he named it that.

We saw coffee shops as places to meet other thinkers, other students, other nonconformists. One of our favorite cafes was near campus. It was called The Artist's Escape.They had board games and poetry nights. Until Starbucks moved in and closed them and Trio, another local favorite, down.

We were convinced Starbucks moving on to the main drag signaled the end of the independent coffee shop.

We were wrong about Starbucks being responsible for ending the independent coffee shop era. There is something bigger and sadder than big box hurting local coffee shops. And that something is technology.

Flash forward to today. One local Boulder coffee shop has a sign that reads, "Free Wi-Fi" in all caps. Underneath, in a smaller font, "Open your laptop / No place to charge batteries here." It is displayed prominently in the window. The sign is laminated, matter-of-fact. You can sip your latte here until your battery gives out.

Yesterday I asked a barista at another local cafe what their policy is regarding laptop users who nurse a single cup of coffee for an entire day. He said, in essence, that he isn't sure how to deal with the tech crowd. They come in, hang on to a cup of coffee long after it has gone cold and take up precious seat space. Some of these laptop nomads come in, don't make eye contact with the employees and don't buy anything. They sit with their laptops in front of them for hours, without paying for the service. Some, as the Wall Street Journal article, No More Perks: Coffee Shops Pull the Plug on Laptop Users suggests, come in asking for a cup of hot water so they can steep their own tea bag.

I'm of two minds on this issue.

I get it. I know entrepreneurs need space and internet access to do their work. As a business owner, I know we got bills to pay. So what's an ethical laptop nomad to do? And what is a friendly coffee shop owner to do? I asked my peers on Twitter. Many answers suggested coffee shops charge a per hour wireless fee. Others suggested mimes.

These are the responses I got to my original tweet:

• hoosteeno before granting wifi access, take cc #. charge hourly until checkout, include free bottomless drip coffee/tea. 'coworking lite.'
• Sincemydivorce Offer them an incentive/create conducive atmosphere for holding client meetings - free cup of coffee for every client meeting ?
• DesignBabylon wifi password lasts for an alloted amount of time. need to a)purchase coffee/tea/cookie or pay minimal fee for addt'l time
• seekatiesew give them a code to access wifi good for one hr with each cup
• LanceWeber "If you see someone looking for a place to sit and work, be a good neighbor and offer to share your table!"
• mbosano sell them 30min wifi slots with free coffee??
• zinco_ninco Make really damn good coffee!
• melsidwell panera has a lunch policy re: wifi. it kicks you off after two hours btw 11a-2p (or something). seems fair to me.
• JeremyK31 maybe there's a way to charge money for coffee along with a certain amount of time for the internet?  
• tcabeen Write down a GTFO policy, develop a rep for being both crazy and lovable and unpredictable. Then enforce the policy as you see fit
• hyperlinked Sell something other than coffee, possibly something that's not so stimulating but leaves a nice energy buzz? (Green smoothie)
• thereasaf turn down the heat so their coffee gets cold and they have to get refills. I kid, if goal is 2 create awesome exp, let them sit.
• jasonglaspey how about you provide wifi access for 1 hour with every purchase. access code is printed on the receipt.?
• jwithy Provide awesome sandwiches/baked goods. Put up subtle, guilt-inducing signs. Give one free refill but charge 50 cents after that.
• darinpersinger punch cards to get free stuff. buy four cups get one free or something.
• admomentum set up conversation areas that don't cater to the tech crowd in addition to computer friendly areas. so you limit the wifi hogs.
• fishnette darn good coffee question - difficult. two-drink minimum? minimum charge? musical chairs???
• maslowbeer do what @coffeegroundz does. Create community around it. Make it a place to converge with others. 
• amanda_iles An idea for coffee shops to get tech folks but not wifi freeloaders: Give 2 hours of free wifi w/purchase. Renewable all day.
• SmithWill Servers should step from behind counter and sell to seated patrons nursing 1 cup. Non-takers get booted for non-performance,nicely
• oranparker BONUS 2 WiFi timers: You can avoid "lurkers" with "can't talk now. on a timer." I always get caught at coffee house by lurkers.
• anile If they bake on the premises it would be impossible to resist a snack!! Yummy aromas and beautiful presentation might help!
• anile also: name your wifi router "snacktime!"
• oranparker WiFi sign-in timers. You get a sign-in code good for 1 hr w/purchase of $3.50. U get food, WiFi + setting. Keeps purchases moving.
• UpsideUp Parking meter at each table?
• tomesnyder Charge for wi-fi, give coffee away free.
• slackmistress Rent space? Like an hourly fee? Sort of like co-working space but there's no lease. I think it's totally fair.
• bodisagency Make a cute sign, ask for donations. Explain the situ from business owner perspective. Say, we help you, you help us, kinda thing.
• APLewis Freeloaders are a cost of doing business. If seats open let them stay. If tables full, ask them to make room for paying customers.
• JasonPollock WIFI log in codes with each cup of coffee. Each one expires after 30 minutes. Or 45.
• hereslizz give them one free hour of wifi with each purchase.
• Tricon Hire a bunch of mimes to flood the place and start a silent argument with the drifters.
• yosoykia give them 60 or 90 minute internet access codes, 1 per purchase with a minimum amount required
• lance one hour wifi lease for every dollar spent on food/drink.
• tenaciousN I'd start charging them for access. Free for the first hour, then more expensive the longer they stay. 
• declinedesigns every 2-3 hours. As a wifi user, I wouldn't mind getting a drink every few hours to use free internet and enjoy people-watching.
• lauriewrites Usually? Sell better, uncomplicated snack/lunch food-beyond stale baked goods. #1 thing I'd do. It's almost always horrible.
• Mandalynn17 limit how long they get free wifi? for 1 cup of coffee, you get 1 hour of wifi...
• declinedesigns I'd make it an option to either pay, say, $3 for 2 hours of wifi, or that the wifi users have to buy a certain amt of food/drink
• Dav3Ston3 "15 minutes internet free with Coffee"
• npilon A cup of coffee/serving of food gets you a code for X amount of time on the wifi. You want more, you buy more.
• brandius I read an article about a coffee shop that changed their wi-fi name. "Know whats good with internet browsing? Our muffins!" Clever.

Last week Chris wrote on the Art of Nonconformity about how to be an effective introvert on the social web. This week, I want to take a moment to talk about extroverts. When I first thought about it I didn't think there would be much fodder. After all, we're extroverts.

"Get out there and do what you do best!" is our rally cry, right?

But I see three areas that even those of us who claim to be extroverts can work on when it comes to finding our place on the social web.

Balance I often hear my most extroverted friends quietly mention they feel overwhelmed with it all. It's as though they're looking for someone permission to tune out/turn off sometimes. It is alright to tune out, to close the computer, to unplug for a while. Nobody has tethered you to your electronics. When is the last time you gave yourself permission to unplug? Do you start and end each tech-overloaded day with technology?

When you've found your balance with the work you do, you'll also find you're better able to share your extroverted self.

Oversharing I love extroverts because I am one. I also love introverts - the people I'm closest to are introverted. Sometimes it's hard for introverts to connect with us because we overshare. I find this especially true on the social web. An introvert will think, "you went too far with that," but they may not say it directly to your face. One time a woman talked, in front of an introvert and myself, about how her nipples chafed after nursing. I was perfectly fine with the conversation. The introvert was mortified but didn't express it at the time.

Filter your status updates through an introvert's eyes - the world is made up of both types of folks.

And if you're using the social web to seek employment, this is even more important. If you're not sure if you're oversharing, ask an introvert.

Restraint This is a difficult one for me. I love to be rowdy, to grab the karaoke microphone and rock out. So it is with that in mind that I share this advice. You have to be still and quiet sometimes to really hear the stories being told on the social web. While it's important to narrate your own, it's of equal importance to hear the stories being told around you. Have you thought about having a few hours on the web once a week where all you do is listen? How would that be for you? Would you want to jump into every engaging conversation?

What would it be like to let the flow of the social web rush past you without grabbing on to it?

I'm going to take a moment to echo something Chris says in his post: being authentic means being you. I think it also means taking some time each day to reflect on this collection of ideas and thoughts and dreams and experiences that makes up "you." Sometimes pushing yourself isn't what's called for - sometimes what's called for is pulling back a bit, reflecting.

--

This time next week you'll be able to get your hands on a hot slice of a project I've been working on, The Unconventional Guide to the Social Web. The project is a collaborative brainchild of Chris Guillebeau - project director, author and cheerleader and the design is by the Rockin' Reese. She designed Chris's site, too, which I totally love.

So with our creative (introverted and extroverted) powers combined, next week you could be sitting at home reading and listening to our guide. In the meantime, are you an introvert or extrovert? And has that impacted your relationships online?

Over the weekend Joel and I were groomsman and bridesmaid (respectively) in his sister's wedding. Marybeth is a few years younger than Joel but she's got the special position of being the eldest of the four sisters. There are seven total.

One of the first things I noticed about Marybeth was her hand-written quotes in the bathroom, beseeching the reader to be faithful and diligent servants of God. It was clear those pieces of paper had been there for some time - the edges were curling and they were water-stained. It was also clear that Marybeth was devoted to her path, to what really matters to her. As I am with the rest of her family, I'm inspired by her faithfulness. This post is for her. The photos are the ones I was able to snap (I joked toLizelle, the official photographerwho flew in from South Africa for this event! - that I was her sixth shooter).

Dear MB,

You were, of course, a beautiful bride this weekend. But that isn't what I remember most about your wedding.

I remember the music.

As you and your party applied (the tiniest amounts!) of makeup in the bridal party room, a portable speaker system blasted tinny beats. Your attendants hummed along to hip hop while applying lilac eyeshadow, poking yellow lilies into braids. You walked down the aisle to a song your moments-later husband composed. And the most touching moment of the whole day for me - when you lifted your left hand in worship - during song. You closed your eyes slightly and sang with your might (while I sang "watermelon, watermelon." But nobody needs to know I didn't know the lyrics, right?).

Then, as we arrived at the reception we heard Italian opera. The bass reverberated the room, stopping just short of rattling your champagne glasses. You can't learn to love music like that. You can learn to appreciate it, but I know you love it.

I know because I watch you teach seven-year-olds how to play piano. Your patience stuns me. How can you take him through the scales and hear him play that note incorrectly again? But you do. I think your family one day will be a spectacular traveling marching band.

There was the clinking of dinner knives on glasses of iced tea, signaling it was time for you to kiss your newly minted husband. There was opera on top of opera (your brother quickly fixed that glitch) during the slideshow of your photo memories. And then there was dancing. I saw babies dancing. And grandparents dancing.

I loved the music - all the tracks that played out on your wedding day. But what I noticed most was what happened after your DJ announced the music was ending. The sighs and whimpers that followed made me chuckle. Everyone wanted to keep dancing. The music ended and you held hands with your guy and waved to us as you stepped into the darkness. Your mother wept quietly.

The only sound I heard as you two departed was the sound of the sprinklers which had started their nightly watering. May the music always play like that for you. And may the space in between the notes, and what you discover there, reverberate for you each day.

PS: I think you might appreciate this little a cappella group out of Slovenia.

 Can't you see the joy on their faces? That's what I see in yours.

Formerly a rocker in Nashville, Milam Byers is now Lead Agent at The Speakers Group. Milam reached out to me in June to ask if I'd consider being a part of the social media roster at The Speakers Group. Since then, the group posted a list of ten hot speakers in the social media realm - all of them were men and the group got some backlash as a result. In this interview we talk about how they dealt with the fallout, what they are working on as a company and Milam's own personal journey with his new son, Gunnar (pictured with Milam, above).

Tell us a little about you, how you started with The Speakers Group.

I was introduced to Shawn Ellis, the founder and president of The Speakers Group, by a mutual friend. The bulk of my professional experience comes from the music industry (like most of Nashville). I was a performer/recording artist and later worked for a firm in the agent role (booking and day to day management). I was in a rock band (played guitar, songwriter); we put out albums on a major label and toured all over the world for 8 years-still not a household name though. I love downtown Boulder too - we played Boulder Theater some time ago. One of my fave spots ever was the Fillmore in Denver. Most people think of country music when they hear Nashville but there is really a great rock scene here as well (Superdrag, The Raconteurs, Kings of Leon, etc).

What is the purpose of The Speakers Group?

We can provide you expert advice on how to select the best speaker for your audience, your budget, and your program objectives. We can advise you on how to maximize the value of your speaker booking, so you're doing more than just filling that 10am keynote time slot.

The value in our service is not in the access we provide (we can help you book any one of thousands of speakers), but in our ability to help you find the right speakers(s) for your unique situation.

You and I were already in talks about getting my bio (which is now) up on The Speakers Group site when TSG released a list of the top ten social media speakers - they all happened to be men. Can you talk a little bit about what followed?

Yes, I think we had been communicating over the course of a couple of months at that point. We were excited to launch a campaign to promote the social media topic to meeting planners and we were confident in the core group of speakers we had - which just happened to be men - and we knew we were going to keep adding to it (with speakers like you, for example).

So, we went with it without having any idea we were going to cause such an uproar. Things were fairly quiet for about a week, but then someone tweeted that we published a "top ten" without one woman and things pretty much exploded from there. At the time of our post, without our knowledge, a hot debate was already happening over the fact that women are often overlooked in the tech and social media world (particularly at a Gov 2.0 event). So, we stepped into a firestorm that we didn't know was happening and we learned a lot of lessons.

What was created as a blog for our clients and potential clients to learn about the speakers we represent (and helpful tools for meeting planners) became a much more authoritative platform overnight - & not the way we expected. I think the intent of our blog is very transparent, we've never tried to hide that fact.

In an interview with Jennifer Leggio Shawn, the founder of The Speakers Group, refers to "the dark side of social media." How do you think The Speakers Group is working to shed light on this dark side of the social media world?

Revealing the 'dark side of social media' is really not our platform. What we are trying to address and shed light on is the value we offer to both meeting planners (outside the tech/social media conference world) and social media speakers. We help them work effectively together because they come from two different worlds - as Jeff Hurt effectively pointed out.

Social media speakers don't look like "regular" professional speakers - in terms of their speaking styles, promotional materials, etc. - so part of our job is to help "mainstream" corporate and association meeting planners understand how to effectively evaluate social media speakers, and to help introduce social media speakers to these "mainstream" meeting planners.

I can immediately think of one example (without mentioning names) -- he's a "rock star" in the social media world, but his "resume" of speaking engagements is primarily a bunch of social media/tech events. He's not on the radar of many planners in the corporate world, but he has great expertise and insights to share with them. So - referring back to my answer above - the value of our service is not in the access we provide to social media speakers (by the nature of their work, they're easily accessible) but in the way we can help point meeting organizers to the right speakers for their unique situation, and then help them evaluate those speakers further.

What do you think are some best practices for individuals or brands that come under attack in the social media world?

Well, we do not claim to be authorities or experts on best practices - we defer that to our speakers. Some things that we learned, 1) you have to listen; 2) Don't think that you won't be noticed - once its out there, its out there. We are fortunate to be in constant communication with many 'experts' and 'authorities' that know us far beyond one blog post. We listened to them and tried to pick ourselves up and move on in the best way that we saw fit.

For those companies and individuals just starting out - whether they want a speaker or not - what would you tell them about social media/the social web?

I think it is amazing - it is absolutely essential right now. It's becoming increasingly relevant to people and organizations in all sorts of industries and professions, and it's a complex landscape, so it's best to find some good teachers (whether in the form of speakers or books or whatever) and try to learn from them. As a small business we saw how quickly things can go wrong. I would advise anyone to learn from authorities and experts how to implement best practices - both internally and externally. That was the catalyst in building this niche of speakers because we really believe in its relevance and importance. We also believe that people like you play a vital role for companies to put their best foot forward.

It's the end of 2009 - you look back and say, "I'm so thrilled with this year because..."

we're now seen as a valuable partner to some of the greatest social media authorities. And, meeting and event organizers think of us as a destination of choice to find the right social media speakers to help their organizations and their meeting attendees. And personally, 2009 started out amazing when I welcomed my son Gunnar to this world January 6 (our first!). Being a parent has completely rocked my world - in the best of ways.

Brush with fame in Nashville?

I took my wife to a movie several weeks ago and Tim McGraw was in front of us buying popcorn. He yells across the lobby (not many people there) to Faith, "Hey, you want butter on your popcorn?" in a very 'southern' way. She yells back, "yeah." I thought that was funny. That is part of what makes Nashville great. You see people like that living a normal life - something they couldn't do a lot of other places. People here respect that and don't bother them.

For more information on TSG, visit http://thespeakersgroup.com. And for those of you who don't know about Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, possibly the sweetest love story in country music, watch this video. The first time I saw it I thought it was a little cheeky but now I'm like: aww, dang. That's just adorable.

Faith HIll "Like we never loved at all"

Pietro Aretino is said to have died laughing. That's one way to go about it.

I remember my childhood as a series of extreme peaks and troughs. When I came home from school mom would be present and moving around, on the couch exhausted or gone. Of the three, for the first years of her illness, and of my elementary school education, she was there more than she wasn't. As I moved up through the third grade ranks, she got worse. The worse she got the harder I tried at school. It was never enough to take home an A. I wanted an A plus. Plus is a word that you say with a smile on your face. A smile is built into it.

Eventually she spent more time on the blue velveteen couch in the living room. She watched a lot of Star Trek during the school day. I have no idea what else she did. I only know that when I came home if the house was clean she'd had a good day. If the house wasn't clean I better have an A plus.

I was in sixth grade, we were living on base, when I knew things were getting worse. My step-father mentioned finding a cheap plot for my mom. Trips to the hospital became more frequent. The house frequently went days without a good cleaning. But I still kept bringing home those A plusses.

The truth is, I remember precious little of my childhood before sixth grade. Occasionally my grandmother will try and plug memories into me: "Oh, remember that dress you wore when we visited you in Germany? That doll we brought?" No, I don't remember. I remember dark days. I remember the moment when denial bowed to acceptance.

But that's not really why I'm writing this. That's all back story. I told Joel earlier this week that for most people there is a silver lining on every cloud. For me, there is a cloud perched on every silver lining.

When the only thing I could be sure of was that mom was either going to be sick, or after sixth grade, dead, I started engineering my life with a built-in cloud. Stay with me here. I promise this will make sense to you.

I really do live an exceptional life. I'm aware of all the blessings, the goodness, the love and loving and passion and compassion. I have friendships that I've cherished for a decade now. My best friends are scattered all over the globe. I can catch a plane to visit my first business, in Japan. In October, I'll do just that. I'm lucky to call some beautiful, talented women my friends and business partners - and they live all over the States. You can look at my life, at these facts, and say: the woman has it all, she has nothing to complain about. I refrain from complaining. Instead, I make rain showers for myself.

I have carried this belief with me since I was very young. I engineer situations to be sad or painful because I believe that sadness and pain is inevitable. If everything is going well in a relationship, I pick a fight. It can be very confusing for the people that love me. It is said that the only thing constant is change. I think that the only thing we can believe in is that it's going to end.

The Dalai Lama has talked about the importance of reflecting on death regularly. I think about death daily. This isn't a morbid preoccupation or a freaky hang-up. If you have partied with me you know I'm as quick to jump on stage, grab the microphone at karaoke while simultaneously doing an Irish Car Bomb as I am to mull the deeper questions of life over an Americano with you. Death, I consciously reflect on it. I think it's healthy to keep in mind that our time is limited, our health precious, our intentions vital to shaping who it is we become. I really practice engaging to the max with each day.

But there's this undercurrent of sadness that I ride. I sometimes undermine my own best efforts - for instance, not finishing a project I've started - because that way I'm sure to know the outcome. I want to put a stamp of sadness on it and send it away without a return address. I don't know what to do with it if it's too happy. My wedding day was a cloud-shrouded affair, not the happiest day of my life (oh! there's a tired cliche. What about all the days that follow?) There is some deep root of sadness in my soul that I can't seem to pull, dig up or outgrow. I water it by acknowledgment. Sometimes I appreciate the shade it gives me. Still, I secretly wonder if it will envelop my whole heart someday, the way it enveloped my mom.

I met a fellow edge-dweller recently. He told me a story about a crush he had in junior high. He wrote the girl a note, asking her to be his friend. He carried it with him for weeks. He couldn't bring himself to give it to her. He re-wrote it. He told the story to me with sadness in his eyes. He never gave the girl the note. It took the curve of his right butt cheek and he wrote it again. Then one day he came to school to see she'd graffiti'd the side of the building with her message: All I wanted was one friend. What if he had had the courage to give it to her, he wondered to me. He knows there were deeper issues but what if he could have been that one friend?

We have to be that one friend to ourselves.

Still, I want to bring home A plusses to my mom. I want her squat down and look me in the eye. I want us to watch Star Trek together. I want to read books with her and feel her fingers on my face. I want to know that woman I lived inside for nine months when she was still a teenager.

I want the impossible. I want the silver lining without the cloud.

"Death is a part of all our lives. Whether we like it or not, it is bound to happen. Instead of avoiding thinking about it, it is better to understand its meaning. We all have the same body, the same human flesh, and therefore we will all die. There is a big difference, of course, between natural death and accidental death, but basically death will come sooner or late. If from the beginning your attitude is 'Yes, death is part of our lives', then it may be easier to face." - from The Dalai Lama's Book of Wisdom

Joel, letting me test out my new Canon Rebel T1i on him. Hooray for beautiful subjects!

While I'm here, let me give a thank you shout to the Shutter Sisters for including a copy of Rangefinderin their suite gift bag. I read it cover to cover this week and it is so, so solid. Thanks, sisters. Next stop: a LensBaby!

"To me, photography is an art of observation. It's about finding something interesting in an ordinary place... I've found it has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them."  

    - Elliott Erwitt

I Believe in a Thing Called Love from gwenbell on Vimeo.

Karaoke version of "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness. They pretty much rule and I pretty much butchered it, but man, I danced my ass off.

Chris Guillebeau and I had a conversation a few months ago when he was on the road - headed to Saudi Arabia. The conversation was about the book we are working on together.

It wasn't a surprise to know Chris was on his way to Saudi Arabia. He is on a mission to visit every country in the world. Along the way, he's sharing his journey. It was our shared passion for travel that got this new project underway.

Along with Chris, I'm working on a book called The Unconventional Guide to the Social Web. It's a guide that will show you how to use the social web for good. A personal mission of mine is to help others by sharing my journey. I want to lead through service - and I see this as a guide, not to the mountain itself, but to the way up. The planned release date is August and we're excited to share this collaboration with you.

I mean, seriously, w00tles.

And if this isn't exciting to you, watch Olivia Newton John sing Let's Get Physical: