This morning I read a piece in the NYT about young couples duking it out on Facebook.

Four hours later, there are 127 comments on it. Each time I hit refresh there are several more. Comments from both sides: if you're on Facebook fighting, you must not "have a life." The other side: STFU, we're just communicating the way people used to, just digitally!

Here's the problem I see with the article. Douglas Quenqua writes, "For most couples, the temptation to publicly slander each other is overpowered by the instinct to prove to their friends how happy they are, reality notwithstanding. But for others, arguing in front of others comes as naturally as slamming doors." This relationship dichotomy doesn't ring true. Either we're fighting privately and lying about it or we're publicly slandering one another? I'll take option C, please.

In the early days of our our courtship my now-husband and I were publicly affectionate. We weren't officially a couple until we became Facebook official. (We were IMing as we simultaneously updated our statuses). As we transitioned we definitely did have stumbles similar to the one outlined by the engaged couple in the article. But we didn't publicize it because we were both stressed and chose not to add fuel to the fire. And I'm happy now that we didn't. Why?

Country crooners The Dixie Chicks tell it best in "A Home." The tune speaks to the regret of allowing friends (and, you could add, their posts to your wall) to dictate how you grow your relationship:

I mistook the warnings for wisdom

From so called friends quick to advise

Though your touch was telling me otherwise

Somehow I saw you as a weakness

I thought I had to be strong

Oh but I was just young, I was scared, I was wrong

Not a night goes by I don't dream of wandering

Through the home that might have been

And I listened to my pride

When my heart cried out for you

Now every day I wake again

In a house that might have been

A home

Can you build a home if you let everyone you know put their hands on the blueprint?

There are two guiding principles in the home we're building: don't go to bed angry, and don't emotionally dump on others. We don't update when we're angry with one another. We don't air grievances to those who aren't in a position (or state of mind) to help (for the record, that's pretty much everyone). Folks who can help include two family members who have expressly stated they want to do so. We're both involved in groups (separately) that allow us to speak our hearts safely. I use the word "safely" with intention.

Every post, every tweet, every sentence you write on your blog is public. Searchable. Indexable. Pass-along-able. And very much on the record.

Your feelings are impermanent. Your status less so.

Nevertheless, Quenqua is wrong in drawing the line between you're either covering something up or you're posting your grievances. You can be digitally connected and make healthy choices about the ways in which you share about your relationship. 

Whether we're publicly affectionate or hurtful, we set a pattern that people begin to expect from us.

Consider this from Dan Ariely, professor at Duke, (writing on managing anger for the Harvard Business Review): "I’m thinking of the manager whose personal portfolio loses 10% of its value in a week (entirely plausible these days). He’s frustrated, angry, nervous—and all the while, he’s making decisions about the day-to-day operations of his group. If he’s forced to attend to those issues right after he looks at his portfolio, he’s liable to make poor decisions, colored by his inner turmoil. Worse, though, those poor decisions become part of the blueprint for his future decisions—part of what his brain considers “the way to act.”

Ariely is writing from a management standpoint - and it's true for relationships, too. Be mindful of the tone you're setting in what you're building.

Be mindful of the digital blueprint you're creating with your loved ones.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts on fighting using Facebook status updates and tweets. I invite you to disagree - if you think blowing off steam is just that, let me know. Do you think digitally duking it out is totally fine?

This year's South by Southwest challenged me. And not at the intellectual level.

I didn't stay out all night partying as I did the first time I attended the conference two years ago. The truth is, like Jolie O'Dell, I craved a more intimate experience. And it wasn't happening.

During sessions at (tech) conferences (primarily over this past year), here's what I've observed. One person makes an off-hand remark about the speaker on the social web (Twitter, primarily) and suddenly folks are up and leaving en masse. If the speaker/interviewer misses a beat, it could be end of story. (End of career?) This short-tempered, short-sightedness undermines the fabric of the conversation (we so desperately want to create/monitor/strategize about). And even the most seasoned professional speakers will tell you it's disheartening to watch a room clear out as you're delivering your message.

If something doesn't suit us, we change the channel. Life's too short to sit through a bad keynote, right?

Maybe not.

When I did my yoga teacher training, our instructors told us that we often learned more going through a "bad" yoga class than we did a good one. If a teacher taught something we disagreed with, we didn't just roll up the yoga mat and walk out. We stayed with it and, if it seemed like right speech, asked the teacher after class if we could give him feedback. (And then, we were to do so in a spirit of growth.)

We learn from watching others stumble. We see a bit of ourselves reflected in that stumble.

*

A lack of self-control is evident at conferences.

Folks who remained after the "swag wars" at BlogHer last year said the hotel lobby was trashed. I saw similar activity this weekend. I accept it - and I want to see it change. I want to see civil conference activity. Where folks watch the speakers rather than use their devices to tweet out what a lousy job she's doing.

I want to see less "drive-by conversation." You know how this goes. Folks will spot someone with more social standing and a crowd will form around them. In this new arrangement, conversation moves quickly from ideas to self-promotion and, honestly, there's less learning and sharing happening. We want to stay within our cozy spheres of familiar ideas.

I envision conferences like these "magical dinners." I want us, as technologists, to stay with the person we're meeting or the conversation we're having or the session we're attending - to stay with that uncomfortable urge for a moment longer. To learn from a "bad" keynote. To keep eye contact with the "non-celebrity" when a "celebrity" comes into the room.

I want us to develop self-control as technologists and independent thinkers. We're creating the future. And yes, I believe that with that power comes a responsibility, not just to others, but to ourselves. This is our responsibility: to keep our seats at that first indication of keynote-induced discomfort. 

In the strategy call we covered:

- How to make donating to causes more engaging

- Which campaigns are currently doing so effectively (I pointed her to I Want a Goat)

- How to communicate authority on the site

- How to create a visual hierarchy on each page*

- Best practices for looping in social media elements

Just a month after our call, Mary Ann sent an email thanking me for helping her with the site. I cruised over to take a look at the changes. I was thrilled with the results.

This is the site before our conversation:

The site one month after our strategy call:

What makes the second site better in social web terms

The first site did what it needed to do at the time when it was first built. While the web changes quickly, there some elements that are immutable. Unfortunately, simply throwing social web icons on your design (if it needs updating) isn't going to do the trick. In this case, a restructuring was the answer. 

In the second version of the site you see:

- Clear hierarchy of information

- Concrete calls to action (Join Our Mailing List)

- Video

- Search functionality

- Fresh content tied into the front page (so when she writes a new blog post, it hits the front page stream)

- Social media icons and streams seamlessly incorporated

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Of course, it will be some time before we know how much these updates will impact the number of donations (bottom line, that's what charities exist to do - get money from donors to care for the children and families with which they work).

I've asked to follow up with Mary Ann in a few months but what you can do (besides donating, if you're moved to do so) is cruise over and check out the site. Leave a comment and say hi to Mary Ann. I'm so happy with what she's creating on the social web.

I'm honored to have contributed to this project - by empowering Mary Ann to create a site she loves.

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Quick interview with Mary Ann

GB: Was there any one piece of advice that made the biggest difference? 

MA: I think it was the practical specific advice on making it interactive – you helped me make the step from idea bubbling around in my head to a practical approach to changing the site quickly

GB: How would you describe the experience [of working with me]? 

MA: Really helpful, targeted and practical.  After the call I had a list of 4 key ideas and some reference points from which to develop concrete action.  I liked the fact that you quickly thought of other examples to help me visualize your ideas.

*the best book I've read on the topic of UI/User Experience: Don't Make Me Think - I may make that book required reading before bringing on any future client. It's that good.

**Great work to Steve Watson for executing the strategy in the Able Child Africa site redesign. (Also, nice hat.)

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About the author:

Gwen Bell runs a social web practice based in downtown Boulder, Colorado. She excels at intuiting a client's needs, reflecting them back and creating a strategy for the web around said needs. Put it this way. If the web were an ocean, she'd be the surf instructor reading the waves. (And showing you how to mount your surf board without losing your shorts.)

If you'd like to hire her, please provide the scope of your project when making your request. There is currently a 30-day wait list for new clients.

South by Southwest. 2010.

Day 1:

- Catch flight from Denver to Austin with several friends

- On Southwest. Packed flight

- Cab it to the hotel

- Nap, then head to the Iron Cactus

- Eat crazy fresh guacamole with Joel & Wade

- Eat dinner at Annie's

- During which I chase down Susan (yelling "HEY! HOTTIE!" was obnoxious, but not attention-grabbing enough, apparently)

- But after which, enjoyed food. Startlingly good, fillingly good food

- Drink several margaritas with Rachel for her birthday

- Chat with Maggie & Brian

- And meet Arianne

- Go downstairs, chat with Brit & Randi

- Head to the TechSet party

- Dance, meet Rebecca/Modite

- Head out, run into Steph and thank her for the party

- She suggests we eat free tacos from the taco stand

- Done. They are delicious

- Head to hotel

- Fail to check-in (better than faux checking in?)

- Let you know what's up

- Before crashing and dreaming wild dreams about

-  Texas, tacos, tech and tomorrow

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Would you like to ask a question?

Watching Jeff develop the dojo over the past few months has been delightful to witness. Today he threw a small vegan BBQ bash (you read that right, even the cheese on the vegan dogs was dairy-free. Jeff's a pro). 

Thankfully, I was not attacked by ninjas while on the premises.

(Which reminds me of a time I was visiting my grandmother in the States and a woman at the Belk checkout counter asked me if it was scary living in Japan "because of all them samurais.")

(...when I laughed and she didn't, I realized she was serious. And my grandmother had to tactfully explain that there really aren't ninjas anymore, except for in museums.)

Jeffrey has mad East Coast style. He's one of the raddest designers I know. He helped me record the HP commercial a couple months back with only a few hours notice.

I'm proud to see his business grow. And to call him a friend.

...with whom I can veg(an) out. 

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Read more Boulder Reviews

Today Joel and I spent the first part of the day over brunch thinking about where we were one year ago today, on 03.06.09. We talked about where we are today, and where we'd love to be by March 6, 2011. (Call it a Relationship Year.)

3.6.9 - 3.6.10

(View photo sets of the above)

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After goal-setting we did ordinary things: driving through the car wash, dropping off camera for repair, taking naps.

This evening, there was decadence. We celebrated by getting a new digital camera.

(What else would you expect?)

And by spending time with some friends at Happy. Drinking Divine Droplets.

All in all, the day was a good reflection of our first year really in this together.

For those of you who are here, and in it, thank you.

Your friendship means the world.

*

Do you set goals with your partner? How? When? 

Read more questions you've written (and my answers) here.

Ask a question if the spirit moves you! I'll answer it as soon as possible.

(Side note: I know someone who edits her tweets on paper before posting them to the web.)

The purpose of an operating system is to organize and control hardware and software so that the device it lives in behaves in a flexible but predictable way. - How Operating Systems Work

My partner and I see our relationship as running on an operating system.

When all is running smoothly, we barely notice it. It efficiently handles resource allocation and quietly runs applications (dance lessons, friendship development, work life). It operates as an operating system does on a computer. Without the operating system, the relationship has nothing on which to run.

How to Install a Relationship OS This will vary from couple to couple. Perhaps it starts with defining what you'd like the scope of the relationship to be. Later into the relationship, maybe it's a relationship health checkup. Defining what applications you'd like to run (a year from now, five years from now, fifty years from now) are all potential starting points.

Basic applications: buying groceries, putting gas in the car

Heftier applications: processing the death of a loved one, communicating during unemployment

What makes the OS Relationship effective? Define it, keep it updated, limit the number of applications you run at a time. Put it to sleep at night.

Signs Your OS Needs an Update Do you "need" a dozen texts throughout the day to know he's thinking of you? Do you reach for your device when she starts talking to you?

It's time for a system update.

How to Perform Relationship OS Updates Each morning, sit down to tea and discuss what's up in one another's lives. Sort out misunderstandings and make requests in a loving way - daily. Doing routine updates makes it easier when arguments come up - it keeps the system stable.

When the operating system is running well, applications crash less frequently. Communication is solid. A few texts throughout the day do the trick. A thirty minute lunch date reconnects you. As a couple, you run lean. It's definitely time for an update when your Communication Application is glitchy and fails to launch, or crashes, throughout the day. Three final reminders:

- The more minimalist the system, the better it runs

- The fewer applications you run at a time, the better it runs

- Final note: if you decide to go the open source route, make sure your partner knows it

Seeing the relationship run on an operating system gives us the freedom to be our best selves when we're out doing our work growing relationships and businesses.

How does your OS run?

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This week, to honor a year of domestic incubation (a term I resisted for the first ten months or so), Joel and I will be sharing stories on our blogs (find him at http://joellongtine.com).

This is in addition to other posts of the social web variety. Please subscribe for daily geek love updates all this week.