Attention here means attention from other human beings. Because we each have limited capacity to pay attention, the amount available is inescapably scarce. The more some have, the less others must have. This is so even though attention is really quite difficult to quantify with any precision. - Michael Goldhaber

It's dump a digital friend day. Jimmy Kimmell's calling it National Unfriend Day. I first heard about it on Ed Shipul's Wall. Ed's a friend online and off (the distinction becomes increasingly blurry). A debate was sparked on Ed's Wall, and around comment 23 I said

Perhaps there's a new way to reframe the friend/unfriend conversation. For me, it starts and ends with story.

Here's mine. It's not going to be just like yours, but I hope my telling it sparks something in you. (If you'd like to read my earlier thoughts on the Attention Economy, try Can You Brand Yourself?, December 2007.)

Our story starts with an attention disaster. Several years ago I asked someone on the support staff at Twitter to turn on the follow-back function. Meaning for every person who followed me, I followed them back automatically. I thought it was unfair to follow back some people and not others. My number of followers was around 4,000 at that point. Soon, I was following back about 4,000 people (and bots).

A Twitter Rager

My Twitter stream was, as you might imagine, a noisy party. I loved it!

But, there was a payoff. It was social hour all the time. Suddenly, it wasn't fair to those people I claimed to be following. I couldn't pay good attention to every one of those 4,000 plus status updates. My direct message box was overwhelmed with auto-follow spam.

If it was a party, it was a rager, and I was hungover every day.

In desperation, I asked Twitter for help. A few short weeks after turning the function on, I needed to turn it off again. I'm grateful a Twitter employee friend obliged, and I got my stream back. I've been whittling it down ever since.

Now, Twitter is (and for four years running has been) my main tool for discovery, so that's why it's the pillar of most talks I give on the social web. When someone asks why I'm only "following back" 300 people - max - on Twitter, the answer is simple: I rotate people in and out because I can handle no more than 300 connections on a daily basis at a time.

The way I use the tool, 300 is the max I can handle. I've gotten up over 4,000 and that's simply too much for me. But that's not a blanket statement about how you should use the tool. It's just where I'm at with it.

Facebook

Facebook. Some days I want to strip it down to three friends. Other days, I'm perfectly cozy with it as is. And if my conversations through the years are any indication, many of you feel the same. Torn.

I've reflected on deleting the account altogether. Then during my one-month tech sabbatical, I decided it was how I use the tool, not how it uses me.

On the whole, I only accept friendship requests from folks I've met in person, with whom I've had a conversation face to face. I make exceptions and will accept a request if you're a friend of a trusted friend with whom I've had a conversation. Usually, if it's a tough call, I leave it in limbo. I have about 300 requests in limbo right now.

Facebook, and its place in my life, remains very much in flux.

Mobile Device

I rarely share my phone number. I text and call with only my nearest and dearest. I'm not a phone-talker. If you want to chat, face to face is ideal. Skype video is great. Twitter or email is also a good option. If I had to tier it out, it'd go face to face (over a cup of tea), Skype/vid chat, then email. Twitter hovers between option one and two.

Email

I'm ready for email to end forever. I only share my email address with folks I know. You can contact me through my site, which is labelled and has its own special place in my non-inbox. (GMail labels work like a charm.)

When messages come in from this site, I do my best to respond in a timely manner. I'm hitting some walls with this in terms of time/energy investment. This is still an area of growth and balance finding for me. I don't have someone handling my inboxes, so at times I do spend more time in them than I'd like.

Comments

I've been toying with the idea of turning comments off. On some posts they're off, on all my research posts, they're off. We'll see on this one. Both sides of the comments off leave more time for creating/comments on build community argument ring true for me.

The Dread Unfriend

On to the hard part of this conversation. Why do we "unfriend" or not even follow someone to begin with on a social site? For me, the answer is story.

If you're telling a story I find compelling, I may track your movements for a bit. If I like what I see across multiple platforms, I may begin following you. It's an intuitive sense that there's something in you with which I want to connect.

That changes over time, in real life, just as it does online. I've mulled over the idea of letting digital friends know why I'm not following their story anymore. Why haven't I done so? It's unrealistic. I follow and unfollow stories all day.

I wish there were an alternative to the following/unfollowing verbiage. It's binary. It doesn't reflect a nuanced digital landscape.

I'm a fan of Merlin Mann's idea of a pause button. Often, I just want to pause and evaluate, not end, the online connection. Unfortunately, the social web isn't nuanced enough to give us that option. (Some make the argument that Lists and other filters work. I don't watch Lists, I watch main streams).

Paying in Attention

I've believed for a number of years that we're living in an Attention Economy.

We buy and sell in attention. Attention is becoming increasingly more important than money.

I also believe that that to which we give our attention we become.

Given that equation, I think on to what and whom I'm giving my attention. When I give it, I strive to do so fully. I honor the relationships in my life - digital, and otherwise. By "unfollowing" and paring down, I'm able to give it more fully to those relationships with which I'm currently engaged.

If Jimmy Kimmel were here right now, I'd suggest an alternative to National Unfriend Day. Let's call it National Attention Day.

Questions

What are better terms for "unfollow" and "unfriend?"

Can we create a language around what happens when we move into/on from digital relationships?

How do you pay in attention?

Updated 17 November at 11:47a MST, with a response to a question on Facebook about whether a good alternative is to hide.

Hiding is one option! I advocate for digital sabbaticals.

Here's the caveat. At some point you have to come out of hiding.

Like time, attention exists to be used. You can't stockpile it and spend out when you've "figured it all out." And, to my mind, it's better to evaluate in an ongoing manner, and make good choices moment to moment.

How do we make good choices? We master our tools. How do we master our tools? We, at first, emulate those who use them well. And then we practice like mad. The image that's coming to mind is that of a sushi chef.

A sushi chef could use a sledgehammer to prepare fish, but that's not the best tool. Would it get the job done? Probably, but it'd be a bloody mess.

Now, another option is to let it sit there until he decides what to do. At that rate, the fish would rot pretty darn quickly.

The third option is to train with a solid knife. He starts simply and eventually masters the art form of sushi creation. Most sushi masters will tell you it's a lifetime of work.

Those of us commenting on this thread know, deep within, I suspect, that we're in this for a lifetime. The tools may be tweaked, but they aren't going away. Mastering a pithy, compelling 140-character @ response is a skill. Conversing in the digital medium is a requirement of modern life. Hiding out, taking temporary refuge, is absolutely a part of this.

Unplug, but when you return, do so with mindfulness and an eye for how to achieve mastery.