Throwing Darts & Dreaming in Lines
Today was my third math (therapy) lesson. I have been intimidated by numbers and math for many years. Starting when I was in third grade and moved schools during multiplication table study. So this year I added math to my life list and happened upon Julie's card. She has a Masters in Math Education from Cambridge. And she's my age. And she's funny. She loves math and that alone makes me not hate math quite so much.
This week I had a bit of a math breakthrough. I had a dream (a lucid one). I dreamt I was watching as a line moved through planes - horizontal and vertical. I followed along but wasn't the line. And the line kept dropping and then moving forward. There was no feeling attached to the dream (my dreams are usually vivid and often emotional - usually they include people and events). It was my first time dreaming in lines.
In the short time we've been working together, numbers, lines and logic have become less threatening to me. I've gotten a sudoku book that doesn't look like a sudoku book (I'd rather not admit to the world that I'm slowly plowing through Easy). I don't love admitting I'm not good at something. But I really don't love the moment at the restaurant when we're figuring out the tip and I can't do the math in my head. When I have to count out on my fingers what seven times eight is. Yes, I'm drilling with flash cards. No, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I met with my math tutor today and we talked about the ways I approach the world. This is what I told her.
I told her I wake up and look at the pile of darts at my feet. (I see the pile as endless.) And then I pick up a dart and throw it. Of course, I know there's a bulls eye. But I don't care if I miss it. And I don't care if I miss the board altogether. I just take aim again. My biggest fear is that I stand in front of that board, down to one dart, and if I miss I'm out.
Good thing that's not life!
Life explodes in me every year on November 30th. I remember my grandmother coming into my bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed, gently waking me. Telling me mom had just died. I remember the finality of it. The heaviness of her voice. Her eyes squinting at me looking for a reaction. I was out of bed quickly. I saw my mom, still and very freshly dead. And I think that's when I started throwing darts. Sadness charted the path of those darts. This year, for the seventeenth anniversary of her death, I let in some light with the sadness. I miss her and at times pull my legs into my chest again and let what needs to heave its way through me heave. But this year I decided to refocus the heaving and create.
It has taken seventeen years and thousands of darts to get here. But I'm glad to be here.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Reader Comments (10)
Gwen, you are such an inspiration. First, math lessons?! You are a rock star---I have been math-phobic since decimals in 5th grade.
Secondly, I think it takes immense courage and bravery to let the light in with the sadness. I admire you so much for breathing through the sadness, but then doing something with it. Sending you much love.
Gwen, I don't even *really* know you, and yet I feel a bit as though I somehow know your Mom, just from your posts about her. Such is the power of written words.... Thanks, as ever, for sharing your memories so generously, so beautifully, so vibrantly.
straight to the heart
i love the idea of math lessons - a few years ago i decided i wanted to re-learn algebra and picked up a book from the store, but quickly got distracted by not having community to learn with. community is key!
and what a great analogy for the way you see life - to be able to understand not just HOW you see it, but the whys behind it must be such an empowering thing!
bravo. i especially love this line: "at times pull my legs into my chest again and let what needs to heave its way through me heave"
Oh Gwen... my eyes of full of tears...
So moved
and inspired by you.
glad to have you in my orbit.
xo
andrea
You are a strong, kick-ass woman. Get it, girl.
Now, here is a simple math equation:
x = Liz + Gwen + WORLD DOMINATION. Solve for x.
I'm tickled that you're tackling math. Despite making my way through A.P. Calculus, I still think of myself as "bad" at math. This post inspires me to get over that and realize that it can actually be fun. What a possibility! Thank you for sharing your stories about your mom. You write about your feelings beautifully and make your readers feel like they understand.
I think darts are a great way to channel feelings into hitting their mark. Thanks for sharing the memory of when November 30th became a significant marker for you.You're a strong, amazing woman. By sharing this with us, we also see a bit of your darkness and a bit of the light.
I've been staring at this post, reading it over and over, stunned. All the little and big things in our lives, they add up, don't they?
I told Short-pants (she's eight) that you, too, were working on those multiplication tables. We talked about how there's nothing wrong with not knowing something if you're excited to figure out how to learn it. I think this gave her the idea to write a book; it's called Math Tips. For now there's only the cover page. But if she decides to author any more pages and finish it (lots of covers of books that get started around here...) I'll send you the final version as a PDF.
In the meantime, bon courage with your maths (with an S at the end over here...)