This morning I read a piece in the NYT about young couples duking it out on Facebook.

Four hours later, there are 127 comments on it. Each time I hit refresh there are several more. Comments from both sides: if you're on Facebook fighting, you must not "have a life." The other side: STFU, we're just communicating the way people used to, just digitally!

Here's the problem I see with the article. Douglas Quenqua writes, "For most couples, the temptation to publicly slander each other is overpowered by the instinct to prove to their friends how happy they are, reality notwithstanding. But for others, arguing in front of others comes as naturally as slamming doors." This relationship dichotomy doesn't ring true. Either we're fighting privately and lying about it or we're publicly slandering one another? I'll take option C, please.

In the early days of our our courtship my now-husband and I were publicly affectionate. We weren't officially a couple until we became Facebook official. (We were IMing as we simultaneously updated our statuses). As we transitioned we definitely did have stumbles similar to the one outlined by the engaged couple in the article. But we didn't publicize it because we were both stressed and chose not to add fuel to the fire. And I'm happy now that we didn't. Why?

Country crooners The Dixie Chicks tell it best in "A Home." The tune speaks to the regret of allowing friends (and, you could add, their posts to your wall) to dictate how you grow your relationship:

I mistook the warnings for wisdom

From so called friends quick to advise

Though your touch was telling me otherwise

Somehow I saw you as a weakness

I thought I had to be strong

Oh but I was just young, I was scared, I was wrong

Not a night goes by I don't dream of wandering

Through the home that might have been

And I listened to my pride

When my heart cried out for you

Now every day I wake again

In a house that might have been

A home

Can you build a home if you let everyone you know put their hands on the blueprint?

There are two guiding principles in the home we're building: don't go to bed angry, and don't emotionally dump on others. We don't update when we're angry with one another. We don't air grievances to those who aren't in a position (or state of mind) to help (for the record, that's pretty much everyone). Folks who can help include two family members who have expressly stated they want to do so. We're both involved in groups (separately) that allow us to speak our hearts safely. I use the word "safely" with intention.

Every post, every tweet, every sentence you write on your blog is public. Searchable. Indexable. Pass-along-able. And very much on the record.

Your feelings are impermanent. Your status less so.

Nevertheless, Quenqua is wrong in drawing the line between you're either covering something up or you're posting your grievances. You can be digitally connected and make healthy choices about the ways in which you share about your relationship. 

Whether we're publicly affectionate or hurtful, we set a pattern that people begin to expect from us.

Consider this from Dan Ariely, professor at Duke, (writing on managing anger for the Harvard Business Review): "I’m thinking of the manager whose personal portfolio loses 10% of its value in a week (entirely plausible these days). He’s frustrated, angry, nervous—and all the while, he’s making decisions about the day-to-day operations of his group. If he’s forced to attend to those issues right after he looks at his portfolio, he’s liable to make poor decisions, colored by his inner turmoil. Worse, though, those poor decisions become part of the blueprint for his future decisions—part of what his brain considers “the way to act.”

Ariely is writing from a management standpoint - and it's true for relationships, too. Be mindful of the tone you're setting in what you're building.

Be mindful of the digital blueprint you're creating with your loved ones.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts on fighting using Facebook status updates and tweets. I invite you to disagree - if you think blowing off steam is just that, let me know. Do you think digitally duking it out is totally fine?