I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot recently. More than usual. More than I’d like.

Most of this is connected to the fact that I’m getting married in March and she won’t be there for that. Of all the “life events” she’s missed - falling in love for the first time, high school graduation, moving abroad after college graduation…they all pale in comparison to her absence right now. Talking with Laurie over the weekend at the Kirtsy retreat I told her I can deal with my mom not being around for daily life. But knowing she won’t be there on my wedding day? That I cannot reconcile.

In the months before my mom died, death was all around us, all the time. It was part of the routine. She was dying for so long that we got used to it. The nosebleeds, the weight loss…she was down to way under a hundred pounds. Knowing someone is dying and seeing them dead are two different things.

My mom was dead but it was so fresh that I thought she could open her eyes at any moment. Sometimes I hear people talk about becoming a mom and how that changes your whole life. Watching my mom in her hospital bed, at the foot of my grandparents bed, in our house, unmoving…that changed my life. She was thirty. Part of me really, really believes I could die when I’m thirty. It’s not rational. I’ll probably live much longer than that, but thinking you are going to die, being aware that death is not just a possibility but a reality, it sets you on fire. It motivates you beyond what’s rational.

My life is on fire right now. When someone asks me what success means to me I tell them (and mean it) that it’s about being engaged with your life. It’s about being present for everything that is arising.

Define success. For yourself.

This month you’ve sent me more emails than I’ve received at any other time in my life. Wishing me congratulations, asking if I can help out with a project, letting me know that I’ve touched your life. Becoming a Kirtsy partner, being named one of the most powerful and influential women in social media, getting engaged, inspiring people in ways I hadn’t anticipated. While I’m thrilled by the praise and accolades, I never sought them out. What I’m seeking is something that won’t be found outside myself…

It’s not about being “on” all the time. It’s about being “you” all the time.

A trend I’ve noticed online and witnessed happening in myself is the desire to constantly be “on.” If I’m going to publicly announce something I wonder if it should be happy and positive. Like you, I experience a full range of emotions each day (including sadness). I get triggered and have to practice leaning into my edge.

This weekend, spending time with the Kirtsy chicks, I found myself relaxing into the moment. I was able to be still with three women I consider heroes. Friends, people I deeply respect. I learned things about Gabrielle, Laura and Laurie I never knew. I shared my stories and listened to theirs. We joked constantly about how we were going to take bubble baths all weekend. I can assure you this is what we got up to during all of our waking hours:

The Tao Te What?

I was in high school when I read the Tao Te Ching (the best translation I’ve seen is by Stephen Mitchell). More specifically, I was at Governor’s School, a summer camp for smart overachievers like myself. That summer I learned a few things about spirituality. Not religion, but philosophy.

Reading the Tao Te Ching I discovered the secret to life. Of course, I promptly realized the secret to life (and living it well) was one thing. Learning to stay “in the flow” was no easy task. Especially with high school hormones. Anyway, applied to adult life, it goes like this: take it easy. Take it even easier than you are right now. Learning to accept the world as it ebbs and flows is the key to living your life fully.

Twitter (and the social media world, for that matter) is like a stream. You can step into it at any time, but it keeps on flowing regardless of what you are doing. You can’t step into the same river twice; embrace the flow of it. If you’re thinking about what your next post will be instead of hanging with your kids, you’re missing the flow.

That flow can also sweep you away with its intensity if you let it. Getting caught up in the world of titles and numbers is as dangerous in our online world as it is in “real” life if you still make the division (I don’t).

If you’re looking for validation in something outside yourself there will always be the temptation to look for it in numbers. I have heard people talk about the number of friends they have on Facebook or followers they’ve amassed on Twitter as though they were Pokemon trading cards. “Gotta Catch em All!”

Are you looking outside yourself for validation?

I’m guilty of looking outside myself for validation that I’m good, pretty or smart enough. Over the last two weeks, while I walked down the street in San Francisco, for instance, I noticed if I got a nod from another well-dressed woman. I’d think to myself, she looks great and if she thinks I look great then…it’s confirmed! I look great!

At times, when I’m looking everywhere but within myself for validation that I’m doing the right thing, I reflect on the story of Siddhartha’s enlightenment. Regardless of your spiritual leanings, this story (however fictitious it may be) has quite a bit to teach us. In short, the story goes like this. After many months of meditation, the near-Buddha underwent one final test. The demon Mara essentially asked who could confirm the Buddha’s Enlightenment. Instead of looking around and asking his homies (had they been hanging around watching him meditate) he reached out and touched the ground, asking the earth to bear witness. The earth, according to legend, shook.

Said another way, “Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunshine in a cave facing north.”

If your neighbor needed some sugar, would you tell them they could have it only if they bring you a slice of the cake they’re baking?

Hopefully, if someone in your community asks to borrow something from you, you share it without strings attached. This is how community is formed. Can it really happen any other way?

When I lived in Morocco everything we did happened locally. If you wanted to take a shower you went down to the village pump and pumped water into a bucket. Then you brought it upstairs and boiled the water on the gas stove. After that, you put the water in a plastic bag that had a spout connected to it. You had about enough water to wash your pubic area and half of the hair on your head.

Needless to say, you learn to go without showers living in the High Atlas mountains of Morocco.

If you wanted bread, it came from the stove of one of the local breadmakers. If you wanted butane for your stove, it came from a local shop. If you wanted vegetables, they came from the local market. We like to think we’re self-reliant but the reality is, we’re completely interdependent. You don’t experience that very often in America; you experience that living off the land in Morocco.

You may not experience interdependence because you simply aren’t aware of it in America. We depend on a lot of people to take a shower. The efforts of our plumber. The water heater manufacturer, the city water system (which is maintained by real human beings in your local area). Dozens of people collaborate to help you take that shower in the morning.

Practice like your hair is on fire.

We have to possess that spirit of giving. That’s part of the practice. Not to be all doomsday, but you can’t take it with you when you die. So practice giving it away now. Touch that place within you that recognizes your connection to all people, everywhere. Forget follower numbers, forget friend numbers. Focus on sharing what you have, giving what you can.

Maybe you won’t get that slice of cake today or next week. But, guaranteed, living your life in the spirit of giving, being aware you will die (without getting paranoid about it) and focusing on making the most out of what you have while you’re alive…

Don’t practice with thoughts of reward. Practice like your hair is on fire. You don’t need me to explain what that really means. Only you know what that means. Only you know how to do it. So get out there and practice. Like your hair is on fire.

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This amazing photo by Farminded on Deviant Art.