(This is the first in a series of five posts this week on Humanizing Technology)

I went out to dinner with some techy friends recently. I love all the folks I was out with. Enjoy their company. Sadly, I felt disconnected from the present moment throughout the meal. I don’t remember hearing a single comment about the taste of the marinara sauce, the flavor of the wine or the smell of the garlic cheese bread. Instead of noticing the food and company, the guy on my right kept checking his twitter feed. The dude three seats away was more preoccupied with responding to his text messages than he was talking to us. I’m as culpable as the next person (I even recorded video during the meal) for failing to notice these details as they arose. Like you, I’m finding it’s a practice to turn off the gadgets during Human Interaction Times, or HITs (meetings, meals and making out come to mind).

Brad Feld and several other friends have recently written about burn out. And like so many others, his approach to burn out in that post is prescriptive, what to do once you’ve burned out or when you sense burn out coming on. Unfortunately, just like dehydration, the signs of burn out begin to show quite a while after the problem has started. The root of the problem is not burn out. It’s a lack of paying attention to the moment as it arises. Working on the way we show up to the moment, to a conversation and for a person improves our HITs and reduces our burn out.

As a knowledge worker with a background in holistic body-mind practices*, I’m in a unique position in the Wonderful World of Tech. A friend in Chapel Hill noted that I have a knack for “making technology more human.” I want to share how I do it so that it might help you do the same. This week, over the series of five posts, we will explore the root causes of and solutions to these questions, starting with Elimination (learning to say no).

Despite what we may think, juggling people, attention streams and responsibilities during HITs is not impressive. It’s distracting at best, detrimental to relationships at worst.

Say “no.” Let voicemail pick up.

I love this one. The phone rings, we jump for it. I mean, even during sex? What’s going on here, people? What happened to saying “no?” You look like you have no self-control or respect. Make it a practice. Let voicemail pick up once a day (someone you actually want to talk to, not the guy you owe money). Get back in control of your social life. Eliminate Pavlovian responses to your gadgets.

During designated HITs (while on a date and during meals, especially) unless it’s explicitly stated that all parties are going to be interacting with their devices, it’s time to put the phone on vibrate and pull the headphones out of your ears.

If you don’t control your technology, it controls you and nobody wins. Remember that the twitter stream and text message will still be there after dinner. But I may not.

The irony of all these social networks we’ve joined, cultivated and created must be clear: they’ve created a social ineptitude that’s insidious. If the purpose of these networks is to increase the numbers in our inner circle, it’s done its job. Our reach may have increased, but the quality (and depth) has decreased. We may be able to have conversations with our Facebook friends that are deep and meaningful. As long as they’re contained to a chat window, we’re fine. Our social skills in real life, meanwhile, suffer. We have to constantly ask ourselves this question: are we using these tools or are they using us?

*Long-time Zen practitioner and student/teacher of yoga.

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Photo cred: Dirty Feet