The teacher placed his hand on my abdomen tonight as we tangoed. No, I didn’t get chills, nor was he hitting on me. Intimacy is expected, even encouraged, at tango practice, milongas and, — probably Argentina in general. I hope to be able to tell you firsthand soon enough. During tonight’s lesson, I heard all the advice that I’d probably really ever need about how to have a healthy intimate relationship. And like most advice, I’ll take some of it, discard the rest and hope for the best. My tango may strengthen, even if I continue to be a lackluster lover.

Not that I am, mind you. Before the comment section explodes with folks wanting to find out for themselves. (My presumption becomes me, I know.)

Let’s take a look at what we traditionally think of when we think of Argentine tango. And check out the follower’s heels. Spicy! Olé!

The flirting, the passion, the mischief. It’s all made to look so natural. Goes without saying that it’s not, right? Well, sure. Just how relationships look easy in the movies, but try it at home, it’s a different story.

A few important points my teacher made tonight may apply equally to tango as to healthy intimate interaction. Little surprise there.

You are Not a Door Frame

Keep your posture open, relaxed and aware. The lead gives the follower signs, the subtler the better, for her to know what to do. He should be able to change give her the slightest amount of pressure, open his shoulder just a smidgen, and she knows what to do.

The Leader Leads, The Follower Follows, But…

The tango, like all dance, is a two-part problem and solution. If the follower isn’t “feeling” something, he advises, she should just stay still until the spirit moves her. The lead’s job is to act at the correct moment with confidence, just the right amount of pressure and flexibility. I suppose if the leader isn’t feeling up to the job, he (or she) should fake it.

Don’t Anticipate What’s Next

This is my major misstep, most of the time. I lean into what I think is about to happen, and I miss vital information that my partner is trying to communicate to me. For instance, if I think we’re about to move backwards, I move my upper back in that direction.

What is preferred is that I wait, hesitate, rather than charging ahead, taking information and cues from my partner as to when to move. It’s a delicate balance, especially when you’re unsure of your partner. And overly sure of yourself.

Am I Dancing By Myself?

“You can be dancing together, but without connection…you have to have feeling!” shouts our instructor. He had the follower demonstrate what it looks like when she’s doing ochos by herself. She looked pretty, of course. But, our instructor pointed out, she’s dancing by herself, not with him. It’s a partnership, a union, not a solo endeavor.

There’s definitely a place and time for you to dance by yourself, but it may not be when you’re trying to be in a relationship. On the dance floor. Or…wherever you find yourself in relationship with someone.

If Things Get Off Balance, You Can Return

If things become unbalanced–a couple appears where you were about to place your feet or even if you change your mind, you can return to where you just were. No questions asked.

Rebounds Can be as Easy or Complicated as You Like

A simple rebound, where you pivot on one foot, can be a tiny wave or a giant typhoon of a movement. You get to choose.

How Do I Ask Her to Dance?

That book that teaches you how to seduce a woman, guys? We’ve heard about it. If I get “cubed” one more time, I swear. What…you thought we didn’t know?

How about taking some cues from the Argentinian tango the next time you’re out to DHV* (yes, ladies, guys actually say “DHV” in public. I’ve heard them)?

1. Make eye contact. If she looks away, find someone else.
2. If she’s with someone and she makes eye contact, request permission before taking her to the floor.
3. Dance the full length of the song (in some cases at milongas, sets last for three songs) before thanking and releasing her.

There’s a lot of machismo in tango, for sure. And there’s also a lot of space for a woman to do her thing. I love the playfulness and seriousness of it. It can be strong and tender. It can be awkward to be off-balance. In fact, I prefer having a strong lead to dancing with a fish. But, it’s not up to me to choose the lead most of the time.

My part is to remember to keep my spine erect, to reach from my center and come back to the middle when I lose my balance. And doing all that at once is enough of a challenge for me, for now.

Freestyle Tango Inspiration!

*Demonstrate Higher Value