My addiction to karaoke began in Japan. Japanese schoolchildren and businessmen alike use it as a tool to unwind, and so did I. The difference for me is that I became addicted to the rush of performing without practice; Japanese folks will practice their song until it’s memorized before taking to the microphone. And, my God, do they wail.

Last night, as I took to the stage at “Singers,” this unassuming karaoke bar that has stadium-style seating and seven nights of well-attended karaoke a week, I channelled Whitney Houston. I was wearing my favorite karaoke tee, bright pink with my friend’s band, Black Taj, emblazoned across the chest in silver. I imagined I’d just done a line of coke in the back to make sure I was completely in character.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot. Or Get Off the Stage

Karaoke night is not the time to reminisce about “that time when…” unless you were rocking out at that time. I know people love Kenny Rogers, Jimmy Buffet and, yes, even Reba McIntire, but people, save it for your wedding reception or honeymoon. Figure out that one song that you sing, however badly, with all your might. My goal, almost always reached, is to force the dj to have to turn down my mic for at least one song. This will be your personal karaoke hit single. Save the “Lay Lady Lay” for your girl at the after-party.

Your Body, Your Friend

Karaoke is not about singing. Nobody cares if you’re the next American Idol. Karaoke is about, above all else, performing. Working the crowd, interacting with the dj, spilling drinks as you sing, jumping off the stage. These are all acceptable forms of movement while on stage. Other acceptable forms:

Employing the use of props (if your local karaoke bar is too skint to provide some, bring your own or use things on the tables around the room)
Air guitar
Hip gyration
Dropping to your knees in mock suffering, pain or desire
Dancing with crowd members. Or getting them to sing along
Tricks with your drink (I did my first Irish Car Bomb on stage at karaoke on St. Patrick’s Day)
Convulsions

Pay Attention to the Crowd — They’re Moody

Each karaoke bar has its own vibe. The ones in Boulder often had barefoot singers and drunken blonds. The ones in New York have more metal junkies. In Japan, anything goes, but I definitely heard a lot of love songs. Fortunately, there, your audience is usually no more than three or four of your friends because people sing in booths, not bars. And they’re private.

Back in America, we’ve got people that came to sing and people that came to listen. Early in the night before everybody gets there, you can experiment. Midway through the night, sing light-hearted, upbeat, dance-y songs people can sing or dance along to. If you get to the bar at midnight you can try some wilder or more obscure stuff, if you can do it well. I’ve seen people sing Broadway hits and duets with more energy than the original performance. Elvis is guaranteed to lift the energy of any melancholy karaoke bar.

What to Do in an Emergency

There will be times when things go wrong. One time the words were out of sync with the lyrics on screen. I tried to fake my way through it but mostly I ended up bad mouthing the dj for not stopping it and starting over. That’s bad form. You’re better off using the time to tell the audience a story or putting down the mic and dancing.

Most other emergencies should be ignored completely. If a drunk wanders on stage with you, ignore him or incorporate him. If you fall off the stage yourself, pretend it didn’t happen. Pouring beer on yourself is forgivable as a first offense.

Give Yourself a Stage Name

Holly Wood is one of my favorites. I go by Gwen but I need to come up with something flashier. If you can think of something good, let me know.

Break these Rules

There aren’t any rules that can’t be broken at a karaoke bar. Any genre, any song, any artist–can be elevated or demolished–on the stage. And just bear this in mind. Even if you total a song on stage, if you move your body and have fun doing it, you’ll burn calories (in Japan they tell you how many at the song’s conclusion), make your friends laugh and get three and a half minutes of practice.

Go ahead. And remember to keep your lips off the microphones. Those things are nasty.

Inside Tips from former karaoke dj, Paul Salamone. Killing “Kiss” by Prince On-stage since 1989.

Caring what the audience thinks is the death of any performer, especially the karaoke singer. Remember: you are in a KARAOKE BAR, not open mic night at Carnegie Hall. No one, ultimately, gives a shit if you fuck up.

Because karaoke is a discount form of entertainment, it goes without saying that the audience might be in need of self-esteem boost. If you can pepper your songs with improvised references to the town you’re living (and stuck) in, the local sports team, or the type of women the men might prefer (big bootie hoez!), you’ll get a lot more attention than if you just slaughter a Pantera cover.

Most importantly: mix it up on the dance floor. Make yourself the center of attention early on, before you even claim the stage, by sitting up front, doing the running man during slow jams, and getting to know the DJ. I realize how difficult this might be for my fellow introverts to do, so take my advice: designate a driver, split pitchers of the cheap stuff, and get a bit sloppy.

And if all else fails, there’s always Queen.